Thursday, December 27, 2007
(from a 6-year-old)
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine
a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The
dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy,
Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they
were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.
I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker,
and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure
for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me
they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane
to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane
might learn something from the experience
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as
Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so
calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I
wondered if he understood what was going on.
Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition
without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together
for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud
about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up,
"I know why."
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his
mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more
He said, "People are born so that they can learn how
to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time
and being nice, right?"
The six-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know
how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
1. Encourage people to believe in you.
2. Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.
3. Don't pout.
4. It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.
5. Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.
6. Make your presents known.
7. Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.
8. Bright red can make anyone look good.
9. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds
10. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're
Thursday, December 20, 2007
By Michael Marks, December 2000
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack; brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "It's really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow.
Bobby didn't wear boots; he didn't like them and anyway he
didn't own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in
them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had
been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he
might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother's
Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, "This is
useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don't have
any money to spend."
Ever since his father had passed away three years ago,
the family of five had struggled. It wasn't because his
mother didn't care, or try, there just never seemed to be
enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the small
wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far.
What the family lacked in money and material things, they
more than made up for in love and family unity.
Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the
household in their mother's absence. All three of his sisters
had already made beautiful gifts for their mother.
Somehow it just wasn't fair.
Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing.
Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and
started to walk down to the street where the shops and
stores were. It wasn't easy being six without a father,
especially when he needed a man to talk to. Bobby
walked from shop to shop, peeking into each decorated window.
Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach.
It was starting to get dark and Bobby began reluctantly to
walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of
the setting sun's rays reflecting off something along the curb.
He reached down and discovered a shiny dime.
Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at
that moment. As he held his new-found treasure, a warmth
spread throughout his entire body; he walked into the first
store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when the
salesperson told him that he couldn't buy anything with only a dime.
He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the
shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the
dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother's
Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his
ten cent offering. Then he put his hand on Bobby's
shoulder and said to him, "You just wait here and I'll see
what I can do for you."
As Bobby waited he looked at the beautiful flowers and
even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers and
girls liked flowers. The sound of the door closing as the
last customer left jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in
the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid. Suddenly
the shop owner came out and moved to the counter.
There, before Bobby's eyes, lay twelve long-stemmed red
roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all
tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby's heart sank
as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into
a long white box. "That will be ten cents, young man," the
shop owner said, reaching out his hand for the dime.
Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime.
Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for
Sensing the boy's reluctance, the shop owner added,
"I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents
a dozen. Would you like them?"
This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed
the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking
out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard
the shop keeper say, "Merry Christmas, son."
As he returned inside, the shop keeper's wife walked out.
"Who were you talking to back there and where are the
roses you were fixing?"
Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his
own eyes, he replied, "A strange thing happened to me
this morning. While I was setting up things to open the
shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a
dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn't sure
at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set
them aside anyway. Then just a few minutes ago, a little
boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his
mother with one small dime. "When I looked at him, I saw
myself, many years ago. I, too, was a poor boy with nothing
to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I
never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he
wanted to give me ten dollars. When I saw that little boy
tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I put together a dozen
of my very best roses." The shop owner and his wife hugged
each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter
cold air, they somehow didn't feel cold at all.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and
20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division . .
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number, what does it mean?
A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of
New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you
each get $516,528.
B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family
Washington , D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??
Tax his land,Tax his wage,Tax his bed in which he lays.Tax his tractor,Tax his mule,Teach him taxes is the rule.Tax his cow,Tax his goat, Tax his pants,Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,Tax his shirts,Tax his work,Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink,Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,Tax his beers,If he cries,Tax his tears.
Tax his bills,Tax his gas,Tax his notes,Tax his cash.Tax him good and let him knowThat after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,Tax him more,Tax hi m until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin,Tax his grave,Tax the sod in which he lays.Put these words upon his tomb,'Taxes drove me to my doom!'
And when he's gone,We won't relax,We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!Accounts Receivable TaxBuilding Permit TaxCDL License TaxCigarette TaxCorporate Income TaxDog License TaxFederal Income TaxFederal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)Fishing License Tax Food License TaxFuel Perm it TaxGasoline TaxHunting License TaxInheritance TaxInventory TaxIRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),Liquor Tax,Luxury Tax,Marriage License Tax,Medicare Tax,Property Tax,Real Estate Tax,Service charge taxes,Social Security Tax,Road Usage Tax (Truckers),Sales Taxes, Recreational Vehicle Tax,School Tax,State Income Tax,State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),Telephone Federal Excise Tax,Telephone Federal Universal Service Fe e Tax,Telephone Federal, State and Local Su rcharge Tax,Telephone Minimum Usage Su rcharge Tax,Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,Telephone State and Local Tax,Telephone Usage Charge Tax, Utility Tax,Vehicle License Registration Tax,Vehicle Sales Tax,Watercraft Registration Tax,Well Permit Tax,Workers Compens ation Tax. STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in t he world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to 'press1' for English.
What the heck happened?????
Monday, December 3, 2007
When you have one of those "I Hate My Job" days,
On your way home from work stop at your local
pharmacy and go to the thermometer section, and
purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into some very comfortable clothing and
sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so
that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from
the box and read it very carefully. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement:
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
Have A Nice Day And Remember, There Is Always
Someone Else With A Job That Is More Of A Pain
In The Butt Than Yours!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wifeand two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises theknife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ............................................................. THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!Does the man look poor or oppressed?Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?Could we run away?What does my wife think?What about the kids?Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knockthe knife out of his hand?What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kindof message does this send to society and to my children?Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he becontent just to wound me?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could myfamily get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1?Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day andmake this happier, healthier street that woulddiscourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this withsome friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. ....................................................................................................................
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! ClickDaughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Here's one to debate. Excessive violence? Taking the law into his own hands? Protecting his neighbor? Self-defense?
Texas man kills burglars as 911 operator listens
Case may test state's self-defense laws
Published on: 11/26/07
Houston — The cha-chick of a shell entering a shotgun's chamber rattled through the 911 line just before Joe Horn stepped out his front door.
Horn, 61, had phoned police when he saw two men break into his neighbor's suburban Houston home through a window in broad daylight. Now they were getting away with a bag of loot.
"Don't go outside the house," the 911 operator pleaded. "You're going to get yourself shot if you go outside that house with a gun. I don't care what you think."
"You want to make a bet?" Horn answered. "I'm going to kill them."
Admirers, including several of his neighbors, say Horn is a hero for killing the burglars, protecting his neighborhood and sending a message to would-be criminals. Critics call him a loose cannon. His attorney says Horn just feared for his life.
Prosecuting Horn could prove difficult in Texas, where few people sympathize with criminals and many have an almost religious belief in the right to self-defense. The case could test the state's self-defense laws, which allow people to use deadly force in certain situations to protect themselves, their property and their neighbors' property.
'Do you want me to stop them?'
Horn was home in Pasadena, about 15 miles southeast of Houston, on Nov. 14 when he heard glass breaking, said his attorney, Tom Lambright. He looked out the window and saw 38-year-old Miguel Antonio DeJesus and 30-year-old Diego Ortiz using a crowbar to break out the rest of the glass.
He grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun and called 911, Lambright said.
"Uh, I've got a shotgun," he told the dispatcher. "Uh, do you want me to stop them?"
"Nope, don't do that," the dispatcher responded. "Ain't no property worth shooting somebody over, OK?"
Horn and the dispatcher spoke for several minutes, during which Horn pleaded with the dispatcher to send someone to catch the men and vowed not to let them escape. Over and over, the dispatcher told him to stay inside. Horn repeatedly said he couldn't.
When the men crawled back out the window carrying a bag, Horn began to sound increasingly frantic.
"Well, here it goes, buddy," Horn said as a shell clicked into the chamber. "You hear the shotgun clicking, and I'm going."
A few seconds passed.
"Move," Horn can be heard saying on the tape. "You're dead."
Horn redialed 911 and told the dispatcher what he'd done.
"I had no choice," he said, his voice shaking. "They came in the front yard with me, man. I had no choice. Get somebody over here quick."
Lambright said Horn had intended to take a look around when he left his house and instead came face to face with the burglars, standing 10 to 12 feet from him in his yard.
Horn is heavyset and middle-aged and would have been no match in a physical confrontation with the two men, who were young and strong, Lambright said. So when one or both of them "made lunging movements," Horn fired in self-defense, he said.
Family members of the two shooting victims have made few public statements.
Diamond Morgan, Ortiz's widow, who has an 8-month-old son with him, told Houston television station KTRK that she was stunned by Horn's statements on the 911 tape. "It's horrible," she said. "He was so eager, so eager to shoot."
The Associated Press could not find a telephone listing for Morgan.
Memories of Bernard Goetz
The case brought back memories of Bernard Goetz, the New Yorker whom some hailed as a folk hero after he shot four teenagers he said were trying to rob him when they asked for $5 on a subway in 1984.
Goetz was cleared of attempted murder and assault charges but convicted of illegal possession of the gun he used to shoot the youths. He served 8 months in jail and was ordered by a jury to pay $43 million to one of the teenagers he shot.
Pasadena police were still investigating Monday and planned to present their findings to Harris County prosecutors within the next two weeks, police spokesman Vance Mitchell said. From there, it is expected to be presented to a grand jury. In the meantime, Horn remains uncharged.
Texas law allows people to use deadly force to protect themselves if it is reasonable to believe they could otherwise be killed. In some cases, people also can use deadly force to protect their neighbors' property; for example, if a homeowner asks a neighbor to watch over his property while he's out of town.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
"Things To Be Thankful For"
When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable
homework assignment to write an essay on "something
I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in
my room trying to figure out just what in the world that
could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down
everything I could think of from G~d to environmental
consciousness. But after having children, my priorities
have clearly changed:
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born
the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis
shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can
hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which
gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety
locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls
them out of the car and onto the freeway.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling
program which will preserve our natural resources
and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers
because every time my son wanders into water in
plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the
size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable
macaroni and cheese -- without which my children
would be surviving on about three bites of cereal
and their own spit.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity
to obtain a college education and have a higher
quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a
complete thought without being interrupted.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic
medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough
syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the
teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured
me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for all of the
people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down
to pantyhouse and a strategically placed scarf
before getting on the scale each week.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity
to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could
experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to
make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the Butterball
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm,
cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on
the bathroom door.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material
objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby
spits up and misses my good shoes.
Monday, November 19, 2007
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass
jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor and counted
it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be
exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting
on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made
her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big
red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her
some attention, but he was too busy at this moment.
Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.
Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most
disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally
she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the
glass counter. That did it!
"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an
annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from
Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without
aiting for a reply to his question.
"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess
answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's
really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle."
"I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.
"His name is Andrew and he has something bad
growing inside his head and my Daddy says only
a miracle can save him now. So how much does
a miracle cost?"
"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry
but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening
"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't
enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how
much it costs."
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man.
He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What
kind of a miracle does your brother need?"
" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up.
I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he
needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it,
so I want to use my money."
"How much do you have?" asked the man from
"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered
"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some
more if I need to."
"Well, what a coincidence,
dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a
miracle for little brothers. "
He took her money in one hand and with the other
hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to
where you live. I want to see your brother and meet
your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong,
a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The
operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't
long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain
of events that had led them to this place.
"That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real
miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a
miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents....
plus the faith of a little child.
In our lives, we never know how many miracles
we will need.
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law,
but the operation of a higher law.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
While the Governor led the prayer a group of protesters were rallying against the idea of mixing religion with government. Hold on! You've certainly got the right to protest in this great country.
But don't also have the right to pray. I'm sure that any private citizen could set-up a protest on the Capitol steps by going through the proper procedure. Sonny Perdue may be the Governor, but he's also a citizen. So, concerned citizen Sonny Perdue led a group of other concerned citizens in a prayer service. What's the big deal? Prayer never hurts! In fact, prayer still works. I just hope that maybe those without a prayer will soon see that!
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The lesson here, again, don't follow too closely! Make sure you have plenty of time to react to the vehicle in front. We're not in a NASCAR event! Slow down! Remember the two second rule. Watch the vehicle pass a certain mark or object. Count and make sure that you don't pass that mark in less than two seconds. That's the two second rule. It's really simple and it could save your life!
Monday, November 5, 2007
What did we do before we had cell phones? Some of us important people, some of us who thought we were important people, policemen, volunteer firefighters, doctors and drug dealers had pagers. When someone needed to speak with you they would call your pager number. You would then receive either a numerical page or an audio message.
After we evaluated the importance of the message we would either find the nearest phone
(often a pay phone) or wait until we got back to the office to respond. For some reason we didn’t have to live our lives around answering our cell phones like we do now. We could go to church without having a cell phone attached to our waist. We could go the movies without having to answer some stupid call during a quiet scene. We could eat dinner with friends and family that we really love without being interrupted by a casual aquaintance.
I know that we can’t go back in time, but we can go forward with civility. Use courtesy when it comes your personal communicator (formerly called the cell-phone). Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to drop everything you’re doing to answer every call. If it’s that important they’ll call back. If you do have an important call that you must take while you’re in a restaurant or a movie theatre go outside to engage in your conversation. No one else wants to hear it! When you go to church leave the phone in the car. That should be God’s time and his time alone! Otherwise you may have ‘splaining to do at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells you, “The Lord was trying to get to you, but you were busy on the phone while you were in his house.”
It’s ok to have a cell phone, wireless phone, personal communicator or whatever they call it next week. Just use common sense and good manners when you use it.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
ARE WE NO LONGER THANKFUL FOR THANKSGIVING? IT SEEMS LIKE WE GO STRAIGHT FROM HALLOWEEN TO CHRISTMAS! WHY DON’T WE GIVE THE “TRUE AMERICAN HOLIDAY” THE RESPECT IT DESERVES? WHAT HAPPENED TO THANKSGIVING DECORATIONS? ARE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BULLETIN BOARDS THE LAST BASTION FOR THE PILGRIMS, CORNUCOPIAS AND TURKEYS. DOES ANYONE STILL MAKE THE PINE CONE TURKEYS? IF YOU LANDED HERE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY YOU WOULD THINK BY WALKING THROUGH OUR STORES THAT WE GO STRAIGHT FROM HALLOWEEN TO THANKSGIVING. YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A CLUE THAT OUR COUNTRY’S TRUE AMERICAN HOLIDAY WAS SANDWICHED IN BETWEEN THE DAY OF RECEIVING CANDY AND THE DAY OF RECEIVING GIFTS.
YOU’VE NOW GOT PEOPLE DECORATING THEIR HOMES AND YARDS FOR HALLOWEEN WITH THE SAME EXUBERANCE THAT THEY USE TO DECORATE FOR CHRISTMAS. I’M SURPRISED THAT THE MALLS AND SHOPPING CENTERS DON’T HAVE A GIANT PUMPKIN CHARACTER WAITING IN CENTERCOURT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED, AT A REASONABLE FEE, WITH YOUR EXCITED CHILDREN. IF THEY CAN MAKE A PROFIT AT EASTER WITH THE EASTER BUNNY, THEN WHY NOT A PUMPKIN? FOR THAT MATTER, WHY NOT GET A PHOTO WITH THE GREAT TURKEY OR WITH A PILGRIM?
I SAY IT’S TIME TO STAND UP FOR THANKSGIVING! LET’S GIVE THE DAY THE THANKS THAT IT REALLY DESERVES. WE NEED TO START PUTTING THANKSGIVING DECORATIONS OUT ON THE LAWN. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND AN INFLATABLE PILGRIM OR TURKEY? HOW ABOUT THE MAYFLOWER CHURNING THRU STORMY SEAS IN ONE OF THOSE INFLATABLE GLOBE THINGS? I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE AN ANIMATED TURKEY POPPING OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE WHILE THE PILGRIM TAKES A SHOT AT IT.
IT’S PROBABLY TOO CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS TO PUT UP A THANKSGIVING TREE. WE COULD, HOWEVER, PUT UP A TURKEY DAY BUSH. INSTEAD OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, WE COULD ADORN IT WITH LIT-UP CORNUCOPIAS. AND SINCE A LOT OF US WON’T TOUCH THE CRANBERRY SAUCE WE NEED TO FIND A DECORATIVE USE FOR THAT AS WELL.
AND ONE LAST THING: THANKSGIVING NEEDS SOME MORE SONGS. HOW MANY THANKSGIVING SONGS CAN YOU NAME? THE ONLY ONE THAT COMES TO MY MIND IS THAT CRAP THAT ADAM SANDLER WAS SINGING A FEW YEARS AGO. CHRISTMAS HAS A TON OF SONGS. EVEN HALLOWEEN HAS PLENTY. WHAT CAN WE SING AFTER WE DEVOUR THE TURKEY?JOIN ME IN THIS CAUSE, CAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. LET’S GIVE OUR TRUE AMERICAN HOLIDAY THE RESPECT IT TRULY DESERVES. WE SHOULD ALL BE THANKFUL FORE THANKSGIVING!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
9. You have to have your younger wife chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Bobby Dykes mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag of full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and the top sign you are old to be Trick or Treating...
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
"WAYCROSS - Which came first, the chicken truck or the freight train?
Better still, why did the chicken truck try to cross the railroad tracks in front of a train early Wednesday?
The answer came with a bang in a 1:36 a.m. collision that spewed frozen chicken wings for about a block around the railroad crossing at Plant Avenue and Isabella Street in downtown Waycross.
The truck driver and train crew all were uninjured. The crossing and intersection were closed until 8:30 a.m. for the investigation and cleanup."
A friend of mine tried to help with the following e-mail:
Why do you think he crossed the road??
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of the road
before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not
taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why this chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle
ground here. ________________ ____________________________________
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed access to the other side of the road.
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about th e
I am not for it now, and will remain against it. Probably.
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it
in his eyes, and in the way he walks.
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
No one called me to warn me what direction that chicken was going.< /FONT>
I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when
the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
Did the chicken - cross the road?
Did he cross it - with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road -
but why it crossed -
I've not been told!
To die in the rain.
Because the chicken is gay! Can't you people see the plain truth
in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like," the other side." That chicken should not be crossing
the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
(no disrespect intended to the late minister)
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for
the first time, in its own words, the heart-warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its life long dream, of crossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens...
It's easy, if you try...
Crossing roads, together...
Hoping not, to die...
Imagine all, the chickens...
Crossing, roads, in peace....
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
I have just released eChicken2000, Millen nium Edition, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of
This new platform is much more stable and will never
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the roa d with that chicken. What is your definition
I invented the chicken!
Did I miss one?
Where's my gun?
Friday, October 19, 2007
It seems prayer still upsets some people. Please read....
When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the
Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but
this is what they heard;
We come before you today
To ask your forgiveness and
To seek your direction and guidance.
We know Your Word says,
"Woe to those who call evil good"
But that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium
And reversed our values.
We have exploited the poor and
Called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness
And called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn
and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists
And called it justifiable.
We have n eglected to discipline our children and called it
Building self esteem.
We have abused power
And called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's
Possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and
Pornography and called it
Freedom of speech and expression.
We have ridiculed the time
Honoured values of our Forefathers
and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God,
And know our hearts today;
Cleanse us from every sin
And set us free.
The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked Out
during the prayer in protest.
In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev. Wright is
pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 Of those
calls responding negatively. The church is now receiving
international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
My son, JoJo has been playing soccer for the Wave 104.1 team under the direction of Josh Lewis and Mike Waters. Being around so many children reminds me of a little story that a friend of mine shared with me. I'd like to now share it with you:
"The Price of Children"
I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost
of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen
the rewards listed this way. It's nice.
The government recently calculated the cost of raising
a child from birth to 18 to be $160,140 for a middle
income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't
even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It
* $8,896.66 a year, or
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.
* That's a mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is "if you
want to be 'rich', don't have children.
Actually, it is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140?
* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of G~d every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what
the boss said or how your stocks performed that day
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to:
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to:
* keep reading "The Adventures of Piglet and Pooh"
* watch Saturday morning cartoons,
* go to Disney movies,
* wish upon a star.
You also get to:
* frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator
magnets, and collect:
* spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
* hand prints set in clay or Mother's Day, and
* cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no bigger bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
* coaching a baseball team that never wins but always
gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness history:
* her first step,
* his first word,
* her first bra,
* his first date, and
* their first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and
if you're lucky, a long list of limbs called grandchildren
and great grandchildren in your obituary.
You get an education in psychology, nursing,
criminal justice, communications, and human
sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under G~d.
You have the power to:
* heal a boo-boo,
* scare away the monsters under the bed,
* patch a broken heart,
* police a slumber party,
* ground them forever, and
* love them without limits...
so that one day they, like you, will love without counting
That is quite a deal for the price!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
I've been hearing about the uproar over the new truckstop sign at Exit 29 on I-95. a lot of folks are mad about it. Yeah, the GOASIS sign is bright, but there is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed first. The issue that really needs attention is truckstop restrooms in general! I continue to be amazed by truckstop restrooms! From the vile vermin in the air to the nasty floors it is indeed an amazing sight and smell. Is there some kind of law that says that they can only be cleaned once a year? And that cleaning comes once a year, whether it needs it or not. I'll say this about the cleanliness, if I were to drop a hundred bill on the floor of a truckstop restroom I wouldn't pick it up!
I don't think "Germex" or industrial strength "Lysol" can fight that fight! They also need to change the name from "restroom" to something else. The last thing I can do in those places is rest. No relaxation! I'm staying on my toes and getting out before the vermin latch hold to me! Forget about washing your hands in there. The soap don't have a chance! A full immersion in "Lava" (with pumice) is probably what the doctor would order. And have you seen the latest thing on the wall, next to the glow in the dark adult novelties? A 25 cent shot of your favorite fragrance. Drop in your change and hit the pump. Who came up with this idea? I smell a lawsuit coming. "Yes, your honor, I was just trying to put a little on my neck. I hit the aroma plunger and it sprayed all in my eyes. The doctor says I got Hi Karate Eye. A million dollars or so ought to help me out." Need to relieve yourself, find a fast food joint and a take a "McPee"!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become
accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful
moment when parents can become detached
spectators in the lives of their children and shrug,
"It's their life," and feel nothing?
When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital
corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in
my son's head. I asked, "When do you stop worrying?"
The nurse said, "When they get out of the accident
stage." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a
classroom and heard how one of my children talked
incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed
for a career making license plates. As if to read my
mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through
this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy
them." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for
the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door
to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves.
Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll
be adults." My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing.
By the time I was 50, I was sick and tired of being
vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there
was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it.
My mother just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued
to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their
frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.
My friends said that when my kids got married I could
stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe
that, but I was haunted by my mother's warm smile and
her occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call
me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about
Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of
worry? Is concern for one another handed down like
a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears
of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that
elevates us to the highest form of life?
One of my children became quite irritable recently,
saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for
three days, and no one answered I was worried."
I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Let your head breathe! Most officers don't wear hats anyway, the headgear just gets in the way. Will the policemen have to put on their new fancy "Smokey Bear" hat before they start chasing after the naked guy running through downtown Brunswick. The Mayor was topless when he took chase. He didn't need a hat. Bottomline: we don't need to spend the money. If you need a hat for a funeral or some other special event wear the old "bus driver" cap and be done with it. The other waste of taxpayer's money is the proposed animal shelter in the City of Brunswick. The Mayor wants the city to build a low-kill shelter. Low-kill or regular-kill, it will take a toll on our pocketbook. Why does the city even need its own shelter, when we can make use of the county's facility. Oh, I almost forgot, someone got their feelings hurt when the county's Animal Control Director got on to them for being slack. Next thing we know the city is digging into to the budget and dupicating services. When you duplicate you waste money! Forget about showing me the money!
Let's just try not to spend it!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
5. The paperwork for Cap Fendig to have his name legally changed to Prez Fendig.
4. Mayor Bryan Thompson deeding the city to the developers of Liberty Harbor in his own Deal Or No Deal.
3. Joe Willie's Birth Certificate proving that "The Hardest Workin' Portagee In Show Business" is indeed an American Citizen.
2. The first dirty magazine that the late City Commissioner Ken Plyman ever sold.
(This document will be covered by a plain brown wrapper.)
And the top new addition to the Brunswick Freedom Shrine...
The receipt for Brunswick Police Chief Edna Johnson's new "irrigate" sprinkler system.
Monday, September 24, 2007
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for "classmates.com". There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge jerk.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above your butt crack. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying that tweren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting. What's next, competitive wind breakinging? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just did something. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
We got ripped off! I've sat in the General admission section on the home side and I couldn't hear the announcer. I've sat across the field in the visitor's stands on the 50 yard line and I could barely hear the announcer. Most stadiums have speakers mounted throughout the stadium. That's not the case at Glynn County Stadium. Our brain trust installed all of the speakers on the press box. Oh yeah, you can hear Mister P.A. announcer in the reserved seat section, but you can hardly hear hear him anywhere else! Is that the plan? Want to hear the announcer?
Pay the price for the more expensive seats! Give the money that they spent on this and I'll go to Radio Shack and fix it myself! Well at least, we have free parking! Don't get me started on the poor planning of getting people out of the parking lot. Where were the traffic cops? Where were the school's resources officers? Maybe they should have been paged on the stadium's P.A. They probably were paged...they just couldn't hear it!
Friday, September 21, 2007
7. His blow dryer: a can of hair spray and a lit cigar.
6. Mounted on a plaque over the door are the ears of his very first customer.
5. Tries to convince every teenaged guy to go for the "Farrah Fawcett look."
4. Before he sweeps up, he invites you down on the floor with him to make hair angels.
3. Flowbee + nitrous blower + crystal meth = world's fastest haircut, baby!
2. Asks you if you'd prefer the Don King or the Bald Britney.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Barber Is Crazy...
There's a Silly Straw sticking out of the disinfectant jar and his tongue is blue.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
Monday, September 17, 2007
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer,crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM / HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on.The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Take a tour of the local historical sights. Take a walk. Get out of the house. Take it all in. There's a big world out there to explore. You can get a good start here in our little part of the world.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Reading is probably the most important that we learn on this journey we're all embarked on called life. Everything we do revolves around reading. When asked by young folks about required skills to get into broadcasting or the entertainment industry I always tell them that reading is the most important. Read all that you can get your hands on!
Everyday I start the morning reading two or three newspapers. After that it's on to the Internet where I visit several websites. Along the way, I'll read magazines and other periodicals, and of course mail. For relaxation I try to read part of a novel as well. And of course, the best read of the day comes when I pick up the greatest book of all time, "The Holy Bible." Read! You might just learn something. It might even make you a better person.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Have the City Manager, The Mayor and the City police chief personally put a sprinkler system in Hector's front yard.
Rename one of the shooting ranges at FLETC for Hector
Make Hector head of security at Liberty Harbor
Put Hector in charge of a special court that takes care of really bad criminals like
murderers and child molestors. He would not only be the judge, but the jury and the executioner as well. What a great American!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
people bring in malfunctioning weapons that haven't worked in years, and then the bad guys start stealing guns from honest hard working folks like us. Do you really think that the drug dealers and career criminals are going to voluntarily give up their heaters? Not gonna happen! Here's a better idea: let's start handing out guns to the honest folks so that they have a better chance at protecting themselves.
Make shooting lessons standard issue with the new weapons.
Some communities have passed laws stating that their citizens should be armed. A city filled with "Heroic Hectors" ready to really take a shot at stopping crime.
Friday, August 31, 2007
1. Keep your eyes open. When you see something that's not right speak up! If evrybody stood up it would make a huge difference. Like the old movie said, "we're mad as heck, and we're not gonna take it anymore!" When you see a drug deal going down, call the police. Write down the tag number and a description of the scumbags that are peddling that mess in your neighborhood. If you know someone that's carrying an illegal concealed weapon, tell the authorities. Stand up to the bad guys! There's more of us than them. Let's take back control of our streets.
2. It's time to make criminal really pay for their crimes. Public floggings would certainly go a long way in curtailing crime in our community. Line up up the bad folks and let's give them an old fashioned whupping at the football games during halftime. I'm sure that there's a lot of grandma's that would love to put a swicth to some butts. Murderers would get something extra. Public executions would draw a big crowd. Sell tickets and give the revenue to the victims' families!
I know that these are extreme measures, but we're living in extreme times. We've got to stop the madness now before it's too late.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
is concerned about creating a new branch of law enforcement: "the fashion police".
Commissioner James Brooks plans on introducing what he calls the "saggy pants ordinance." Not a bad idea. The problem that I have is that we seem to be treating the symptom and not the disease. Even though I don't like the drooppy drawers look, that's not the cause of the problems with violence in the Golden Isles. What we need to do is focus on common sense. All of these children have someone they report to: Mama, Daddy, Grandmama, somebody that they have to or should answer to. The grown folks need to step up and take charge. We can't let the inmates run the show!
We need to be in charge and use common sense in running things. Why are kids out in the street at midnight? Two of the recent shootings involved children being out in the early morning hours. Where are the grown folks? Wake up! Take Charge! It doesn't just take a village to raise a child. It takes responsible adults using commons sense!
Monday, August 27, 2007
Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this
one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and
If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking
on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings
so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate
behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a
way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume,
causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
So you write a book, your memoirs, about your experience as being the big guy. You talk about your foreign policy...your domestic policies...and about your encounters with other leaders. Did the Queen have bad breath? Does the French Premiere have a bad case of B.O.? You get to dish out all the dirt and make millions! What a gig!
Plus, you get Secret Service protection for life! You can say anything about anybody, and you got the heat to protect you! There's more: you get your own library. I can see it now...The Joe Willie Presidential Library. At home my family has always referred to my bathroom being my "library". With that in mind I'll make the main reading room in the Presidential library look like a big bathroom. No tables or chairs...just stalls with working toilets. The sign would say..."Enter here to be just a flush away from greatness!" You gotta have dreams! Ex-President that's mine. Maybe I could get elected to the office...do the job for a day or two...hang out at Camp David...resign! What a book!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
When did we become so darn improtant that we can't go anywhere without a cell phone. Do you really need to it take into church with you? There it is strapped to your side like a cowboy's six shooter for the whole world to see. "I'm so important! Look at me! I may need to take a call right here in Church!" Not me, Church time belongs to the Lord. I don't want to be told on Judgement Day that I missed something really important. "You know my son, I gave you an important word that would have changed your life, but NOOOOO! You had to take an important call during my time!"
How about these clowns that make calls during concerts? "Hey Junior! We're at the Tim and Faith Show! Listen to them sing! WOOOOO!" Put the the phone down and watch the concert!
You're not that important! When the music starts, put the phone away!
Now making or taking a call before the show is o.k. Nothing wrong with that! I better go now, I'm getting a call and the show's about to start. My buddy down 6 seats to my right wants me to look down his way.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The truckers diner:
One morning a young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order.
"Gimme three flat tires and a couple of headlights," said the truck driver.
Bewildered the waiter goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store. Look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants three pancakes and two eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. The trucker looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
Monday, August 20, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Now, everywhere you see young folks you see lot of them wearing headphones listening to their jams. I'm not against listening to your favorite music. I like to listen to favorites like Merle Haggard, James Brown, Frank Sinatra, Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, Sugarland, Bob Seger and Bruce Springsteen while I'm driving or walking or sitting on the beach. What I'm saying is to not let the music become all that you listen to. You want to hear really cool and good fidelity...take the headphones off...take the ear buds out...listen to the world around you. You want a rush? Close your eyes and listen to the waves crashing on the shore near the St. Simons Island Pier. Take a walk or a bicycle ride through the marsh on the Jekyll Island bike path. Enjoy life! Listen and be a part of the world around you. Jump in and get involved! The first step is to put the music down and listen to the music that God is providing for you. You don't have to download it. You don't have to pay for it. This is file sharing at its best! The sound of planes buzzing...the factory emitting strange hisses and noises...your neighbors hollering and screaming...O.K., there are times that you probably ought to put the headphones back on and turn up your jams!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Jesse Jackson has added former Chicago Democrat Congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.
Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud, and lies to the Federal Election Commission.
He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.
This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate!
His new job?
Ready for this??
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Every superhero needs a cool name. Here's a few suggestions:
Super Streaker Stopper
Now that we've got a few ideas on names we need to give our crimefighting mayor some ideas on an oufit. I would suggest Blue tights with the City's Logo on it. No, that won't work. Someone might confuse him with an on-duty city worker digging up dirt in the police chief's yard. How about a red suit. No, he might look too much like a naked sunburned tourist.
We need some red, white and blue. The mayor can modify his Uncle Sam outfit for the job.
Retrofit with a cape and our Superhero is ready for the job.
Faster than a pervert's zipper...stronger than the stench of a homeless bum sleeping on a city bench...able to leap over piles of dog poop on the city sidewalks...it's
Marvel Mayor...Bionic Bryan...Mayor Magnificent...Flash Thompson...
Super Streaker Stopper
Does he need a sidekick? I know a good candidate to be "City Sprinker Girl."
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I say go back to the day that they put the backstop up in baseball. Fans had to stay on their toes before the advent of the backstop. The catcher misses a high fastball, BAM! a fan not paying attention carries home a nice souvenir. We ain't talking just a baseball. I'm talking a nice major league bruise or possibly a couple of broken bones. Baseball at it's purist!
You want excitement. This is it! Take down the safety net and fence. We have free-range chickens. Now let's have free-range baseball! Baseball stadiums could even make extra money renting out catcher's masks to the fans sitting behind home plate. Wouldn't it be cool to see the pitcher take out a loud-mouthed fan with a wild pitch! Hey loser! You are out of here! Why stop at major league baseball? Take down the backstop at every level of baseball. Do it with fast pitch softball, too! Football players have gotten wussified as well.
Remember when players only a single bar on their face mask?
A broken nose was just the cost of doing business. Now these monsters on the field look like they're wearing a bird cage on their heads. The wussification sweeping the nation has also spread into our homes. We used to just hop our bicycles and go. Can't just do that now. Gotta strap on the stupid looking helmet first. I resisted for a long time. I finally gave in at my wife and brother's insistence. Now, I wear the goofy thing when we go bike riding. "We make the kids wear them, so we should wear them too." "A lot of non-helmet wearing bikers suffer serious head injuries every year." Blah! Blah! Blah!
O.K. I'll wear the thing! Just let me ride in peace. I remember when the professional bike racers didn't wear helmets. An occasional fall on the head was just the cost of doing business!
Where will the wussification of sports end? The day we make tennis players wear protective cups is the day that we ruined it all! Lord help us they day they take dodge ball out of the schools.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
FIRST, A SUCCESSFUL RUN ON NBC'S "DEAL OR NO DEAL"...NOW A RUN AS A SUPERHERO?
MAYOR BRYAN THOMPSON IS WALKING AROUND DOWNTOWN WITH ROBERT GRIFFIN…WHEN A SHOPKEEPER TELLS HIM ABOUT BEING FLASHED MOMENTS EARLIER BY A MAN…AS SHE’S DESCRIBING THE PERVERT, SHE NOTICEING HIM WALKING BY AGAIN…SHE TELLS THE MAYOR…THE CHASE IS ON AS HIS HONOR CHASES AFTER HER FLASHER.
DURING THE MAYORAL RUN THE MAYOR IS TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE
WHILE THE PERVERT IS ALSO MULTI-TASKING…HE MANAGES TO FLASH SOMEONE AGAIN.
…WITH THAT IN MIND WE GIVE YOU THE TOP 4 THINGS OVERHEARD DURING THE MAYOR’S CHASE OF THE DOWNTOWN FLASHER:
- IS THAT THE KEY TO THE CITY? OR IS HE JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU?
- SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT BRAD BROWN NEVER CHASED A NAKED
MAN DOWN THE STREET.
- PROMISE US THAT WHEN YOU CATCH HIM YOU WON’T PLAY
“FEEL OR NO FEEL”.
AND THE TOP THING OVERHEARD DURING THE MAYOR’S CHASE OF
THE DOWNTOWN FLASHER:
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Meth lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow their yard, repair their
Clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have
drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack,
Or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.