Top 7 Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts
7. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."
6. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"
5. Can't stop washing his paws.
4. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.
3. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.
2. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.
1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain...Lobster?
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands!
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain...Lobster?
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands!
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Highly Paid Teachers"
"Highly Paid Teachers"
Aren't You All Sick Of Those Highly Paid Teachers?
Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they
only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we
put things in perspective and pay them for what
they do... baby-sit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage. That
is right. I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and
only the hours they worked, not any of that silly
planning time.
That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 AM to 4:00 PM
with 45 min. off for lunch).
Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these
teachers to baby-sit their children.
Now, how many do they teach in a day... maybe 30?
So that's 19.5 X 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year!
I am not going to pay them for any vacations.
Let's see . . .. that's $585 x 180 = $105,300 per year.
(Hold on! My calculator must need batteries!)
What about those special teachers and the ones
with master's degrees? Well, we could pay them
minimum wage just to be fair, round it off to $7.00
an hour. That would be $7 times 6-1/2 hours times
30 children times 180 days =$245,700.00 per year.
Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!
There sure is, duh!
(Average teacher salary $50,000/180 days = $277
per day/30 students = $9.23/6.5 hours = $1.42 per
hour per student.) Very inexpensive babysitter and
they even educate your kids! Crazy!
Aren't You All Sick Of Those Highly Paid Teachers?
Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they
only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we
put things in perspective and pay them for what
they do... baby-sit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage. That
is right. I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and
only the hours they worked, not any of that silly
planning time.
That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 AM to 4:00 PM
with 45 min. off for lunch).
Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these
teachers to baby-sit their children.
Now, how many do they teach in a day... maybe 30?
So that's 19.5 X 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year!
I am not going to pay them for any vacations.
Let's see . . .. that's $585 x 180 = $105,300 per year.
(Hold on! My calculator must need batteries!)
What about those special teachers and the ones
with master's degrees? Well, we could pay them
minimum wage just to be fair, round it off to $7.00
an hour. That would be $7 times 6-1/2 hours times
30 children times 180 days =$245,700.00 per year.
Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!
There sure is, duh!
(Average teacher salary $50,000/180 days = $277
per day/30 students = $9.23/6.5 hours = $1.42 per
hour per student.) Very inexpensive babysitter and
they even educate your kids! Crazy!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Protecting Yourself
This is the law: The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no
possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield
and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain.
All else is supplemental.
As John Steinbeck once said:
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers.
The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and
asked him, "Why carry a . 45?". The Ranger responded with, "Because they
don't make a .46." * Credit to Retired Texas Ranger Joaquin (Waukeen)
Jackson , Alpine, Texas .
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady
commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your
pistol. Are you expecting trouble?"
"No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my
rifle."
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE
IT!!!
Comments:
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house.
To which I said I did. She said, "Well I certainly hope it isn't
loaded!" To which I said, "Of course it is loaded, can't work without
b ullets.." She then asked, "Are you that afraid of someone evil coming
into your house?"
My reply was, "No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching
fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and THEY ARE ALL
LOADED."
possible victory in defense. The sword is more important than the shield
and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain.
All else is supplemental.
As John Steinbeck once said:
1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight,
he'll just kill you.
2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
5. A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers.
The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and
asked him, "Why carry a . 45?". The Ranger responded with, "Because they
don't make a .46." * Credit to Retired Texas Ranger Joaquin (Waukeen)
Jackson , Alpine, Texas .
6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.
7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady
commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your
pistol. Are you expecting trouble?"
"No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my
rifle."
8. Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE
IT!!!
Comments:
I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house.
To which I said I did. She said, "Well I certainly hope it isn't
loaded!" To which I said, "Of course it is loaded, can't work without
b ullets.." She then asked, "Are you that afraid of someone evil coming
into your house?"
My reply was, "No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching
fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and THEY ARE ALL
LOADED."
Monday, March 10, 2008
Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: How Old Is Grandpa?
How old is Grandpa???
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cou sins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's spee ches on our rad ios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee was unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day: < B>
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the moon
Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cou sins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's spee ches on our rad ios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee was unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day: < B>
' "grass" was mowed,
' "coke" was a cold drink,
' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
' " chip" meant a piece of wood,
' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and
' "software" wasn't even a word.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.
Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years
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