Sunday, November 23, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "A Dummies' Guide For Dummies"

"A Dummies' Guide For Dummies"

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through

Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the
flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts
"Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your

No matter how tempting it is to be one with
nature, stay on the outside of all fences at
the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
press on the flat end.

Under no circumstances should you ever

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks"
there is no need to report it on your income tax

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your
wrist. Get a watch.

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact

If you discover that February only has 28 days,
don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator
button many times.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Years To Live"

"Years to Live"

G~d created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule,
working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack
intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is
too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was

Then G~d created the dog, and told him, "You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will
be his greatest companion. You will eat his table
scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog
is too much. Please, no more than 15 years." And it was

G~d then created the monkey, and told him, "You are
Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like
an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as
the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give
me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, G~d created Man and told him, "You are Man,
the only rational being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the
creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20
years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years
the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the
10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so G~d made Man to live 20 years as a man, then
marry and live 20 years like a mule working and
carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house
and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey,
acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Joke's On Us!

Absolutely The Funniest Joke Ever !


Do you have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPT. OF ENERGY during the Carter Administration? Anybody? Anything? No? Didn't think so. Bottom line . . . . We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember.

Ready? It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. HEY, PRETTY EFFICIENT, HUH?



Ah yes, good ole bureaucracy. And And now we are going to turn the Banking system over to them?

God Help us !

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: What I've Learned

A good friend sent this in:


I've learned ...That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Campaigning & Voting

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it Seems
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises ...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be
better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
covered with waste and garbage.

H e sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."