Friday, August 31, 2007
1. Keep your eyes open. When you see something that's not right speak up! If evrybody stood up it would make a huge difference. Like the old movie said, "we're mad as heck, and we're not gonna take it anymore!" When you see a drug deal going down, call the police. Write down the tag number and a description of the scumbags that are peddling that mess in your neighborhood. If you know someone that's carrying an illegal concealed weapon, tell the authorities. Stand up to the bad guys! There's more of us than them. Let's take back control of our streets.
2. It's time to make criminal really pay for their crimes. Public floggings would certainly go a long way in curtailing crime in our community. Line up up the bad folks and let's give them an old fashioned whupping at the football games during halftime. I'm sure that there's a lot of grandma's that would love to put a swicth to some butts. Murderers would get something extra. Public executions would draw a big crowd. Sell tickets and give the revenue to the victims' families!
I know that these are extreme measures, but we're living in extreme times. We've got to stop the madness now before it's too late.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
is concerned about creating a new branch of law enforcement: "the fashion police".
Commissioner James Brooks plans on introducing what he calls the "saggy pants ordinance." Not a bad idea. The problem that I have is that we seem to be treating the symptom and not the disease. Even though I don't like the drooppy drawers look, that's not the cause of the problems with violence in the Golden Isles. What we need to do is focus on common sense. All of these children have someone they report to: Mama, Daddy, Grandmama, somebody that they have to or should answer to. The grown folks need to step up and take charge. We can't let the inmates run the show!
We need to be in charge and use common sense in running things. Why are kids out in the street at midnight? Two of the recent shootings involved children being out in the early morning hours. Where are the grown folks? Wake up! Take Charge! It doesn't just take a village to raise a child. It takes responsible adults using commons sense!
Monday, August 27, 2007
Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this
one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and
If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking
on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings
so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate
behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a
way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume,
causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
So you write a book, your memoirs, about your experience as being the big guy. You talk about your foreign policy...your domestic policies...and about your encounters with other leaders. Did the Queen have bad breath? Does the French Premiere have a bad case of B.O.? You get to dish out all the dirt and make millions! What a gig!
Plus, you get Secret Service protection for life! You can say anything about anybody, and you got the heat to protect you! There's more: you get your own library. I can see it now...The Joe Willie Presidential Library. At home my family has always referred to my bathroom being my "library". With that in mind I'll make the main reading room in the Presidential library look like a big bathroom. No tables or chairs...just stalls with working toilets. The sign would say..."Enter here to be just a flush away from greatness!" You gotta have dreams! Ex-President that's mine. Maybe I could get elected to the office...do the job for a day or two...hang out at Camp David...resign! What a book!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
When did we become so darn improtant that we can't go anywhere without a cell phone. Do you really need to it take into church with you? There it is strapped to your side like a cowboy's six shooter for the whole world to see. "I'm so important! Look at me! I may need to take a call right here in Church!" Not me, Church time belongs to the Lord. I don't want to be told on Judgement Day that I missed something really important. "You know my son, I gave you an important word that would have changed your life, but NOOOOO! You had to take an important call during my time!"
How about these clowns that make calls during concerts? "Hey Junior! We're at the Tim and Faith Show! Listen to them sing! WOOOOO!" Put the the phone down and watch the concert!
You're not that important! When the music starts, put the phone away!
Now making or taking a call before the show is o.k. Nothing wrong with that! I better go now, I'm getting a call and the show's about to start. My buddy down 6 seats to my right wants me to look down his way.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The truckers diner:
One morning a young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order.
"Gimme three flat tires and a couple of headlights," said the truck driver.
Bewildered the waiter goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store. Look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants three pancakes and two eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. The trucker looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
Monday, August 20, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Now, everywhere you see young folks you see lot of them wearing headphones listening to their jams. I'm not against listening to your favorite music. I like to listen to favorites like Merle Haggard, James Brown, Frank Sinatra, Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, Sugarland, Bob Seger and Bruce Springsteen while I'm driving or walking or sitting on the beach. What I'm saying is to not let the music become all that you listen to. You want to hear really cool and good fidelity...take the headphones off...take the ear buds out...listen to the world around you. You want a rush? Close your eyes and listen to the waves crashing on the shore near the St. Simons Island Pier. Take a walk or a bicycle ride through the marsh on the Jekyll Island bike path. Enjoy life! Listen and be a part of the world around you. Jump in and get involved! The first step is to put the music down and listen to the music that God is providing for you. You don't have to download it. You don't have to pay for it. This is file sharing at its best! The sound of planes buzzing...the factory emitting strange hisses and noises...your neighbors hollering and screaming...O.K., there are times that you probably ought to put the headphones back on and turn up your jams!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Jesse Jackson has added former Chicago Democrat Congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.
Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud, and lies to the Federal Election Commission.
He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.
This is a first in American politics: An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate!
His new job?
Ready for this??
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Every superhero needs a cool name. Here's a few suggestions:
Super Streaker Stopper
Now that we've got a few ideas on names we need to give our crimefighting mayor some ideas on an oufit. I would suggest Blue tights with the City's Logo on it. No, that won't work. Someone might confuse him with an on-duty city worker digging up dirt in the police chief's yard. How about a red suit. No, he might look too much like a naked sunburned tourist.
We need some red, white and blue. The mayor can modify his Uncle Sam outfit for the job.
Retrofit with a cape and our Superhero is ready for the job.
Faster than a pervert's zipper...stronger than the stench of a homeless bum sleeping on a city bench...able to leap over piles of dog poop on the city sidewalks...it's
Marvel Mayor...Bionic Bryan...Mayor Magnificent...Flash Thompson...
Super Streaker Stopper
Does he need a sidekick? I know a good candidate to be "City Sprinker Girl."
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I say go back to the day that they put the backstop up in baseball. Fans had to stay on their toes before the advent of the backstop. The catcher misses a high fastball, BAM! a fan not paying attention carries home a nice souvenir. We ain't talking just a baseball. I'm talking a nice major league bruise or possibly a couple of broken bones. Baseball at it's purist!
You want excitement. This is it! Take down the safety net and fence. We have free-range chickens. Now let's have free-range baseball! Baseball stadiums could even make extra money renting out catcher's masks to the fans sitting behind home plate. Wouldn't it be cool to see the pitcher take out a loud-mouthed fan with a wild pitch! Hey loser! You are out of here! Why stop at major league baseball? Take down the backstop at every level of baseball. Do it with fast pitch softball, too! Football players have gotten wussified as well.
Remember when players only a single bar on their face mask?
A broken nose was just the cost of doing business. Now these monsters on the field look like they're wearing a bird cage on their heads. The wussification sweeping the nation has also spread into our homes. We used to just hop our bicycles and go. Can't just do that now. Gotta strap on the stupid looking helmet first. I resisted for a long time. I finally gave in at my wife and brother's insistence. Now, I wear the goofy thing when we go bike riding. "We make the kids wear them, so we should wear them too." "A lot of non-helmet wearing bikers suffer serious head injuries every year." Blah! Blah! Blah!
O.K. I'll wear the thing! Just let me ride in peace. I remember when the professional bike racers didn't wear helmets. An occasional fall on the head was just the cost of doing business!
Where will the wussification of sports end? The day we make tennis players wear protective cups is the day that we ruined it all! Lord help us they day they take dodge ball out of the schools.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
FIRST, A SUCCESSFUL RUN ON NBC'S "DEAL OR NO DEAL"...NOW A RUN AS A SUPERHERO?
MAYOR BRYAN THOMPSON IS WALKING AROUND DOWNTOWN WITH ROBERT GRIFFIN…WHEN A SHOPKEEPER TELLS HIM ABOUT BEING FLASHED MOMENTS EARLIER BY A MAN…AS SHE’S DESCRIBING THE PERVERT, SHE NOTICEING HIM WALKING BY AGAIN…SHE TELLS THE MAYOR…THE CHASE IS ON AS HIS HONOR CHASES AFTER HER FLASHER.
DURING THE MAYORAL RUN THE MAYOR IS TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE
WHILE THE PERVERT IS ALSO MULTI-TASKING…HE MANAGES TO FLASH SOMEONE AGAIN.
…WITH THAT IN MIND WE GIVE YOU THE TOP 4 THINGS OVERHEARD DURING THE MAYOR’S CHASE OF THE DOWNTOWN FLASHER:
- IS THAT THE KEY TO THE CITY? OR IS HE JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU?
- SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT BRAD BROWN NEVER CHASED A NAKED
MAN DOWN THE STREET.
- PROMISE US THAT WHEN YOU CATCH HIM YOU WON’T PLAY
“FEEL OR NO FEEL”.
AND THE TOP THING OVERHEARD DURING THE MAYOR’S CHASE OF
THE DOWNTOWN FLASHER:
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Meth lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow their yard, repair their
Clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have
drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack,
Or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.
God bless the parents who drugged us.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit
4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?( There are no wrong answers )
6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por
$100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
There's nothing quite like progressive education!
Commons sense tells us that driving without a seat belt is not very smart. More people die in car crashes from being thrown out of the vehicle than from anything else. Yet, we have to make it a law to force people to buckle up. It makes sense to buckle up in pickup trucks, too. Guess what? There's still no law that makes you put on a seat belt in your truck.
Now the lawmakers are talking about the problem with teenage drivers texting while driving.
Do we need another law? Let's just make it the law to use common sense all the time!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
There's nothing to do." Then often the only things that they want to do are expensive. Don't fret...there's plenty of stuff to do here in the Golden Isles that won't break your bank account.
In fact, there's plenty of free stuff to do. Let's start off with the Tall Ship U.S. Guard Barque Eagle. The tall ship will sail into Brunswick this morning. You can catch a good view at the St. Simons Pier or the Jekyll Island Pier as it glides by around 8:45ish. The historic vessel docks at Mayor's Point terminal at 10am. Free tours will be offered through out the weekend with plenty of free parking available in downtown (unlike when I visited the Eagle in Jacksonville a few years ago. Free parking in Jacksonville? Highly unlikely!)
There's more free stuff and relatively cheap activities to keep your kids and yourselves entertained. Here's some ideas:
1. Go to the beach. Wear suntan sauce. Enjoy the breeze, the sun and the sights. Don't feed the seagulls. If you do feed the bums of the bird world you'll instantly become the most hated people on the beach. Nothing like seagull poop on your beach blanket to make the day.
2. Check out the new aquatic center at the Brunswick Recreational Department. It's only $3 to splash into a day of fun. Hurry, this is the last weekend that the center will be open this season.
3. Head to Blythe Island Park. There's plenty to do there. You go on a bike trail. you can go kayaking, you can fish, you can launch your boat, you can cook out and you can camp.
4. Hang out on the St. Simons Island Pier. Take a fishing pole or a crab net, a little bait and you're set for a relaxing time. Maybe take a book and just relax. If you're in the mood to hear some good stories just listen. There's always a couple of colorful old-timers spinning yarns.
5. Take your bikes to Jekyll for a bike ride. In Coastal Georgia, you can't beat the bike paths on Jekyll. The section through the marsh and along driftwood beach is the best there is!
Now, stop complaining. There's plenty to do. Take the first step and get off the couch, get off the computer, turn off the virtual reality game...get out and enjoy the best game there is:
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
I'm okay with eating animals. I am a carnivore! That's why the good Lord put incisors and canine teeth in my mouth. I am designed to eat meat and vegetables.
The non-meateaters have a new level of nuttiness. You might know the difference between a vegan and a vegetarian, but do you know what a vegansexual is? According to the New Zealand Press, a vegansexual is a person who won't eat meat or animal products, and also refuses to share sheets with those who do. That way, they have the peace of mind that they aren't too intimate with partners whose bodies are made up of dead animals. Vegan NICHOLA KRIEK and her husband HANS agree. "When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals."
Whatever. Pass me the A-1. I'm ready to tear into some meat! I am a card carrying member of PPETA...that's Portuguese People Eating Tasty Animals!
If it's not murder what is it? Does assault sound better? Is that word more pleasing and less distasteful to potential jurors? Cut the crap! These three perverts...o.k...I'll say, for now ,these three accused perverts are on trial for abducting, viciously assaulting, and killing an innocent child. Where I come from that's murder! Plain and simple! If convicted they should all three fry. Bring back old sparky! Actually I've got a better idea...instead of the electric chair, let's roll out the electric couch! Sit all three down together..strap them down...shoot the juice to them!
And what's this about taking a cell phone into court. Hey Bozo this is court! Serious stuff! You wear a coat and tie...dress up...pay attention to the judge. What's the cell phone needed for?
You gonna check your e-mail? check your stock? the latest scores? order lunch? Read the sign Mr. Defense Attorney: "No cell phones allowed in the courthouse!"
What happened to the rights of little Christopher? Didn't the little boy have the right to play in his neighborhood without being tricked into a den of snakes? Didn't he have the right to go home to his grandmother and daddy? Didn't he have the right to go to school the next day? Didn't he have the right to live? Yes he did! His rights were taken by these three scumbags!
Never forget the victims rights!