Friday, December 26, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Top 9 Returned Christmas Gifts

Top 9 returned Christmas gifts

9. Li'l Naturalist Hornet Farm.

8. The Duncan Yo -- Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.
7. The "Learn About Puberty Chia Pet"

6. Supersoaker 9000: For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint, clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.

5. Doggie Dentist -- Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.

4. Cuisin-Art -- Turns mommy's food processor into a spinning paint tool.

3. Water Retention Wanda -- Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.

2. The Jekyll Island re-development game…kinda like Monopoly…get past Jeff Chapman to collect your money.

And this year's top returned Christmas Gift...

The Arco working Girl Barbie play set…crack sold separately.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: 45 Life Lessons

45 Life Lessons"This was written By Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 70 in August, so here goes:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's okay to get angry with G~d. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11 . Make peace with your past, so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's okay to let your children see you cry. 1
3. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; G~d never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and up to no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29 What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. G~d loves you because of who G~d is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. 3

9. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: A New Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

'What are you doing?' I asked without fear,
'Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!'
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said 'Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.'
'It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,'
Then he sighed, 'That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers.'
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.'

' So go back inside,' he said, 'harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right.'
'But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
'Give you money,' I asked, 'or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son.'

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
'Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us.'

PLEASE, would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many
people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our
U.S service men and women for our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people
stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us.

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: A True Redneck - this isn't your typical redneck joke.

A True Redneck - this isn't your typical redneck joke.

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. Ya'll know who ya are.

You might be a redneck if:
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase,
'One nation, under God.'

You might be a redneck if:
You've never protested about seeing
the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if:
You still say
' Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

You might be a redneck if:
You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if:
You stand and place your hand over your heart
when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if:
You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect,
and always have.

You might be a redneck if:
You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.

You might be a redneck if:
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so,
no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if:
You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if:
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you,
like me, have just enough
Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs
as those talked about in this email.

God Bless the USA !



Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Go Figure"

Back in 1990 the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed, and it closed.

Now we are entrusting our banking system and the economy of our country to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a cat house and selling whiskey

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Top 9 office Party Faux-paus

The Top 9 Office Party Faux-Paus

9. Playing "Slam-Dunk The Cheeseball" into the punchbowl,

8. Performing your famous "Counting Spare Change With Your Finger Through Your Fly" trick.

7. Mistletoe strategically placed in the "fig leaf" region . (unacceptable)

6. Wearing a button that says, "Don't Worry. It's Just The Alcohol." not good

5. Just because you do more than one job at work doesn't entitle you to more than one turn at
the gift exchange.

4. Office supplies...not a good gift.

3. Bobbing for "anything" in the eggnog is unacceptable.

2. Puking before the boss does.

...And The Top Office Party Faux-Paus...

Wearing those stupid red Christmas stockings that Tater wore at the Brunswick Christmas

Monday, December 8, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Now More Than Ever"

Radio consultant Bob Quick said it best.

Positive attitudes are contagious. Now more than ever we need to project positive attitudes...on-air, on-the-street, within the walls of where you work.
We are greeted with bad news everyday about the economy, one of the two wars America is fighting, the recent events in India, you name it. Not to mention the poor earnings and missed goals within our own companies. We, as a nation, cannot get through these tough times without the “can-do” attitude that has served us so well in the past.
It got us through the Great Depression, World War II, the civil unrest of the '60s, and most recently 9/11.
The economy is cyclical, so is politics and wars come and go. We need to remember that where we are today will not be where we are in a year.
This too shall pass, there is no sense dwelling on it, face it with a positive attitude and at least it will be more bearable for everyone around you.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "A Dummies' Guide For Dummies"

"A Dummies' Guide For Dummies"

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through

Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the
flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts
"Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your

No matter how tempting it is to be one with
nature, stay on the outside of all fences at
the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
press on the flat end.

Under no circumstances should you ever

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks"
there is no need to report it on your income tax

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your
wrist. Get a watch.

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact

If you discover that February only has 28 days,
don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator
button many times.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Years To Live"

"Years to Live"

G~d created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule,
working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack
intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is
too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was

Then G~d created the dog, and told him, "You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will
be his greatest companion. You will eat his table
scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog
is too much. Please, no more than 15 years." And it was

G~d then created the monkey, and told him, "You are
Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like
an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as
the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give
me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, G~d created Man and told him, "You are Man,
the only rational being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the
creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20
years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years
the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the
10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so G~d made Man to live 20 years as a man, then
marry and live 20 years like a mule working and
carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house
and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey,
acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Joke's On Us!

Absolutely The Funniest Joke Ever !


Do you have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPT. OF ENERGY during the Carter Administration? Anybody? Anything? No? Didn't think so. Bottom line . . . . We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember.

Ready? It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. HEY, PRETTY EFFICIENT, HUH?



Ah yes, good ole bureaucracy. And And now we are going to turn the Banking system over to them?

God Help us !

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: What I've Learned

A good friend sent this in:


I've learned ...That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Campaigning & Voting

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it Seems
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises ...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be
better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
covered with waste and garbage.

H e sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

Friday, October 31, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Trick-or-treating"


--Instead of "fun", they give out candy in "mildly-amusing" size.

--Every house has a "Nader" sign on the lawn.

--Every piece of candy comes glued to a Book of Mormon.

--All of the neighbors have had to register with the state.

--Instead of candy, people are handing out adjustable-rate mortgages.

--People's idea of "scary music" is blasting Clay Aiken all over the neighborhood.

--People will only give you candy after you sit through a four-hour lecture on timeshares.

--The only "candy" within miles is a dancer at the dirty carpet.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Sack Lunches

A friend of mine sent this in:

The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

' Chicago - to Great Lakes Base. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq '

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached Chicago , and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to Chicago '

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is your thanks.'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said, 'I want to shake your hand.'

Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals.

It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America '
for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people
in this country who no longer understand it.'

Monday, October 20, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Top 6 Things Overheard At This Year's Brunswick Stewbilee"


6. That's kinda funny..The Liberty Harbor display was supposed to be next to the Georgia Pacific Team, but it's not built yet!

5. The Wave 104.1's wild taste in it's stew and Tater seen picking up roadkill on Hiway 17...hmm?

4. See that guy with the goofy Pirate hat...he used to be the Mayor. See that guy with the even goofier outfit? He's the current mayor!

3. Why was Joe Willie picking up a vat of grease at the Weenee Wagon?

2. Were the hot chicks dancing with K.C. his granddaughters?

1. The Dirty Rug Stew may not taste very good...but it looks ok if you look at in the dark and thru cigarette smoke.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Rules For Non-Military Personnel

Subject: FW: FW: Rules For Non-Military Personnel.

Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem - kick their a__.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest - kick their a__.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them of the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while a disabled veteran kicks their a__.

4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you
were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling
others that you used to be 'Special Forces,' and collecting GI Joe
memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now,
it will only make you look stupid and get your a__ kicked.

5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an a__-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military',
inform them of their mistake - and kick their a__.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get
on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe a__-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief
(CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC
regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens
inside those big important buildings where all those representatives
meet All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up
the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If
you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get
your a__ kicked!

9. "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me - stop
it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick
your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying
"Let's go kill those Commies/" And stop asking us where he is!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me-
if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know,
so I can go kick their a__!

11. 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt'
(Army), 'Squid'
(Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment
use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you
have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your a__

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and
religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every
day. Without them, our country would get it's a__ kicked.

'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of

'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of

'It's the Veteran, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom

'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn
the flag.'

One more:
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
anthem in Spanish - Yea, you got it, KICK THEIR A__.

Oh, oh, here's another:

If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve
to get your a__ kicked!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BULL MARKET – (ALT) A market where traders try to convince investors they’re going to come out ahead on stock deals.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Now here's a bail out!

Got this in an email this morning.

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in
a "We Deserve It Dividend."

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000
bonafide adults in the U.S.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman
and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00.
My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a
"We Deserve It Dividend."

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.
So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.
That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket!
A husband and wife has $595,000.00!

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage? – housing crisis solved!
Repay college loans? – what a great boost to new grads!
Put away money for college? – it'll be there!
Save in a bank? – create money to loan to entrepreneurs!
Buy a new car? – create jobs!
Invest in the market? – capital drives growth!
Pay for your medical insurance? – health care improves!
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean?

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks
who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company
that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out
a puny $1000.00 ( "vote buy" ) economic incentive.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it!
Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can "never work."

But can you imagine? ...How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion
"We Deserve It Dividend" more than I do the geniuses at
AIG or in Washington DC.

And remember, This plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned
instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: A Recent Email

Here's an email that I recently received:

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, 'You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.'

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a co mputer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, 'You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm Good day.'

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adv iser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, 'What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!'

'Ha!' snorts the man. 'If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour.'

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire

Sadly, I received it also.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: pigs and lipstick

BARACK OBAMA's campaign says JOHN McCAIN is offering lies, phony outrage and swift boat politics by claiming he made a sexist comment at a rally Tuesday in Virginia. At issues is Obama's comment that you can put lipstick on a pig but it's still a pig. He used that old saying while arguing McCain's economic policies are just like PRESIDENT BUSH's. The McCain camp accused Obama of smearing Governor Palin.
Obama's campaign points out that McCain has used that phrase himself , most recently while talking about HILLARY CLINTON. That is, while talking about Hillary Clinton's policies.

Does anyone really believe that Obama called Sarah Palin a pig? Don't be silly.
This was not an insult as much as it was ill-advised and a very ill-conceived line because it opened the door for political opportunism. We're in a touchy place: The area where you can't go too heavy on Obama because he's black or you can't go too heavy because Palin is a woman.
We have to decide whether or not we wanna protect these candidates from intense scrutiny or not, and tough campaigning or not, and whether we will defend these candidates because we've taken a liking to them and then feel personally insulted by comments that get twisted and manipulated by savvy campaign managers who trick you into believing the message they want you to believe. This is what political advisors talk about when they're alone and talking about how deft they are at their craft. These are smart, savvy people --as good as any we've ever seen-- and they know exactly how to move the masses. They know they have great power, and all it takes is one word, one phrase --to cast the impression they want, to get you to think the way they want you to. If they didn't have that kind of power, we'd be talking about issues and not lipstick.
And here's the important lesson, the critical component as this latest emotionally driven non-story demonstrates: Candidates must understand that they are not campaigning against their opponents; they are campaigning against campaign advisers. Beat them and you win the election.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings

Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings

As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the firm's guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:

Hurricane Category #1
No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to
avoid fallen trees and limbs.

Hurricane Category #2
Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.

Hurricane Category #3
Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you
avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be
provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.

Hurricane Category #4
More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we
will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take
extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.

Hurricane Category #5
Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when
the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate
cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.

Have A Nice Day!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Take Down The Birdfeeder

I bought a bird feeder. I hung
it on my back porch and filled
it with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it is, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a
week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the
continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table,
and next to the barbecue.

Then came the poop. It was
everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table ...

Then some of the birds
turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to
peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own

And other birds were
boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and
squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night
and demanded that I fill it
when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
sit on my own back porch
anymore. So I took down the
bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built
all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
it used to be.... quiet, serene
and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.

Now let's see.
Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing,
free medical care, and free
education and allows anyone
born here to be an automatic

Then the illegals came by the
tens of thousands. Suddenly
our taxes went up to pay for
free services; small apartments
are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen
by an emergency room doctor;
your child's 2nd grade class is
behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak

Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to
'press one' to hear my bank
talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other
than 'Old Glory' are
squawking and screaming
in the streets, demanding
more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
to take down the bird feeder.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Jay Leno on President Bush

A friend of mine sent this in:

Subject: Jay Leno on President Bush
I thought this was good. I'm like Jay--not enthralled with Bush but like he says, no matter your political leanings, this is good to remember and think about.

No matter what your political convictions are
this is eye opener....
What a thankless people we are!!!

Subject: Jay Leno on President Bush
Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....

' As most of you know I am not a President
Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not
about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it
seems to hit the mark
'The other day I was reading Newsweek
magazine and came across some Poll data I found
rather hard to believe. It must be true given
the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67
percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed and 69 percent of
the country is unhappy with the performance of
the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change. So being the
knuckle drag ger I am, I started thinking, 'What
are we so unhappy about?''

A.. Is it that we have electricity and
running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?

B.. Is our unhappiness the result of
having air conditioning in the summer and heating
in the wi nter?

C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of
these unhappy folks have a job?

D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk
into a grocery store at any time and see more
food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last

E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our
cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to t he
Atlantic Ocean without having to present
identification papers as we move through each

F.. Or possibly the hundreds of clean
and safe motels we would find along the way that
can provide temporary shelter?

G.. I gu ess having thousands of
restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough either.

H. Or could it be that when we wreck
our car, emergency workers show up and provide
services to help all and even send a helicopter
to take you to the hospital.

I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70
percent of Americans who own a home.

J.. You may be upset with knowing that
in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and
use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames,
thus saving you, your family, and your
belongings.< SPAN class=apple-converted-space>

K.. Or if, while at home watching one
of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun
and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you
and your family against attack or loss.

L.. This all in the backdrop of a
neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and
pilla ging the residents. Neighborhoods where
90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.

M.. How about the complete religious,
social and political freedoms we enjoy that are
the envy of everyone in the world?

Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks

Fact is, we are the largest group of
u ngrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever
seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet
has a great disdain for its citizens. They see
us for what we are. The most blessed people in
the world who do nothing but complain about what
we don't have, and what we hate about the country
instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.

I know, I know. What about the

president who took us into war and has no plan to
get us out? The president who has a measly 31
percent approval rating? Is this the same
president who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to
bring an ec onomy out of recession? Could this
be the same guy who has been called every name in
the book for succeeding in ke eping all the
spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist
attacks? The commander in chief of an
all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me?

Did you hear how bad the President is
on the news or talk show? Did this news affect
you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't
take a look around for yourself and see all the
good things and be glad? Think about
it......are you upset at the President because he
actually caused you personal pain OR is it
b ecause the 'Media' told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it.

The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have
died for your freedom. There is currently no
draft in this country. They didn't have to go.&nb sp;
They are able to refuse t o go and end up with
either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than
honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in the brig.

So why then the flat-out discontentment
in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?

Say what you want but I blame it on the
media. If it bleeds i t leads and they
specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a
car crash with blood and guts. How many will
watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The
media knows this and media outlets are for-profit
corporations. They offer what sells, and when
criticized, try to defend their actions by
'justifying' them in one way or another.. Just ask
why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J.
Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill
his wife, but if he did he would have done it
this way......Insane!

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New
York Times for the bottom of you r bird cage.
Then start being grateful for all we have as
country. There is exponentially more good than
bad. W e are among the most blessed people on
Earth and should thank God several times a day,
or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With
hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up
the country from one end to another, and with the
threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we
sure this is a good time to take God out of the
Pledge of Allegiance?'
Jay Leno

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Good Olympic Hosts


Have you heard of these beach volleyball players, KERRI WALSH and MISTY MAY-TREANOR? They took home the gold for the U.S. at the 2004 Olympics in Athens . . . and they're the U.S.'s best shot for beach volleyball gold this year in Beijing, too.

--Anyway, on Sunday, Kerri and Misty had their first match against a team from Japan . . . and at some point during the match, Kerri Walsh went up to block a spike, and the volleyball knocked her wedding ring completely OFF her finger.

--So the ladies finished smoking the Japanese team, and a few hours later, after all the day's matches were done, a bunch of volunteers got together and combed through 17,000 TONS of sand to help Kerri find her ring . . . which they eventually did.

So what's my point? Kerri's ring was found by a Chinese volunteer. Now, maybe it's just me, but I sort of assumed that the Chinese would be total a-holes as hosts . . . but that couldn't be further from the truth.)

--In fact . . . crazy stabbings aside . . . I'd go so far as to say that the Chinese have been downright gracious in their acceptance of other nations' athletes. I mean, did you hear the way they cheered for the U.S. men's basketball team?

If the Games were in the U.S., we'd have booed the crap out of China's basketball team. I guess what I'm getting at is that it's kind of surprising how cool the Chinese people have been, all things considered, don't you think?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: A Carrot, an Egg and a Cup of Coffee.

"A Carrot, an Egg and a Cup of Coffee"
{A folklore tale of wisdom}

A young woman went to her mother and told her about
her life and how things were so hard for her. She did
not know how she was going to make it and wanted
to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It
seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots
with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots
came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second
she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee
beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She
fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled
the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.

Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the
carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother
then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After
pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The
daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had
faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted
differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and
unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the
boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had
protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through
the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however.
After they were in the boiling water, they had changed
the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When
adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems
strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become
soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with
a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I
have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial
hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened
and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside
am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes
the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.
When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and
flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their
worst, you get better and change the situation around
you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their
greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How
do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a
coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to
keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything; they just make the most of everything
that comes along their way...the brightest future will
always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go
forward in life until you let go of your past failures and

When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling.

Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is
smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: New Drugs For Women


Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding
you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed
before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: How They Vote In The United Nations

How they vote in the United Nations:

Below are the actual voting records of various Arabic/Islamic States which are recorded in both the US States Department and United Nations records:

Kuwait votes against the United States 67% of the time
Qatar votes against the United States 67% of the time
Morocco votes against the United States 70% of the time
United Arab Emirates votes against the U.S. 70% of the time.
Jordan votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Tunisia votes against the United States 71% of the time.
Saudi Arabia votes against the United States 73% of the time.
Yemen votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Algeria votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Oman votes against the United States 74% of the time.
Sudan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Pakistan votes against the United States 75% of the time.
Libya votes against the United States 76% of the time.
Egypt votes against the United States 79% of the time.
Lebanon votes against the United States 80 % of the time.
India votes against the United States 81% of the time.
Syria votes against the United States 84% of the time.
Mauritania votes against the United States 87% of the time.

U.S. Foreign Aid to those that hate us:

Egypt, for example, after voting 79% of the time against the United States, still receives $2 billion annually in US Foreign Aid.

Jordan votes 71% against the United States and receives $192,814,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.

Pakistan votes 75% against the United States Receives $6,721,000 annually in US Foreign Aid.

India votes 81% against the United States Receives $143,699,000 annually.

Someone please answer me why we are giving Egypt 6 Billion dollars, for what?
And that's not even mentioning the 100's of millions of dollars for the rest of these countries that hate us. What is this money for?

And all of this money leaving our country while our tax payers struggle to put gas in their cars and food on their tables because these jerks continue to raise the price of oil while burning our flag and protesting us on every issue. Let's get someone elected that will piss on them.
Perhaps it is time to get out of the UN and give the tax savings back to the American workers who are having to skimp and sacrifice to pay the taxes (and gasoline).

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: On Becoming Illegal

On Becoming Illegal


The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Donkey In The Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and
began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and
cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was
astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the
donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal,
he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake
it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of
the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury
him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

You have two and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: I Am A Cop

My friend, Trooper Andy Sinquefield sent me this to share with you:

I am a COP

Mr. Citizen, it seems you've figured me out. I fit neatly into the category where you've placed me. I'm stereotyped, standardized, characterized, classified, grouped, and always typical. Unfortunately, the reverse is true. I can never figure you out.

From birth, you teach your children that I'm the bogeyman and then you're shocked when they identify/associate with my traditional enemy.... the criminal!

You accuse me of coddling criminals.... until I catch your kids doing wrong. You may take an hour for lunch and several coffee breaks each day, but point me out as a loafer for having one cup.

You pride yourself on your manners, but think nothing of disrupting my meals with your troubles. You raise Cain with the guy who cuts you off in traffic, but let me catch you doing the same thing and I'm picking on you. You know all the traffic laws.... but you've never gotten a single ticket you deserve.

You shout 'FOUL' if you observe me driving fast to a call, but raise the roof if I take more than ten seconds to respond to your complaint. You call it part of my job if someone strikes me, but call it police brutality if I strike back.

You wouldn't think of telling your dentist how to pull a tooth or your doctor how to take out an appendix, yet you are always willing to give me pointers on the law. You talk to me in a manner that would get you a bloody nose from anyone else, but expect me to take it without batting an eye. You yell that something's got to be done to fight crime, but you can't be bothered to get involved.

You have no use for me at all, but of course it's OK if I change a flat for your wife, deliver your child in the back of the patrol car, or perhaps save your son's life with mouth to mouth breathing, or work many hours overtime looking for your lost daughter.

So, Mr. Citizen, you can stand there on your soapbox and rant and rave about the way I do my work, calling me every name in the book, but never stop to think that your property, family, or maybe even your life depends on me or one of my buddies.

Yes, Mr. Citizen, it's me the cop!
(The Author of this article was Trooper Mitchell Brown of the Virginia State Police. He was killed in the line of duty two months after writing the article.)

Friday, June 13, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Why I Love Texas!

This is why we love Texas ..

This is what I like about Texans they get right to the point and most of
the time what they say is correct. I sure agree with this one.

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX. was asked on
a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.

'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's privates to a car's battery cables will
save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say,

Red is positive,
Black is negative,
Make sure his partss are wet.'

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Sheriff Joe Is At It Again!

You remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona , who painted the jail cells pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb. Well.........


Oh, there's MUCH more to know about Sheriff Joe!

Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors said okay.

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them place in dog shows.

The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. A Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago was adopted. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted. Cost to the adoptee $78.

The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand.

He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.

Yup, he was reelected last year with 83% of the vote.
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.




Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ) who created the ' Tent City Jail':
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but 'G' movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then He Started Chain Gangs For Women So He Wouldn't Get
Sued For Discrimination.

He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court Order that Required Cable TV For Jails So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again Only Let In The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel.

When asked why the weather channel He Replied, So They Will Know How Hot It's Gonna Be While They Are Working
ON My Chain Gangs.

He Cut Off Coffee Since It Has Zero Nutritional Value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This Isn't The Ritz/Carlton.....If You Don't Like It, Don't Come Back.'

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports:
About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment At The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued
Pink Boxer Shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached
138 Degrees Inside The Week Before.

Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS.

'It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,' Said James Zanzot, An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year. 'It's Inhumane.'

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: 'It's 120 Degrees In Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear,
But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes,So Shut Your Mouths!'

Way To Go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Proud of Our Military!

If you've ever been to Arlington Cemetery, you know how the Honor Guards are very solemn and no-nonsense. A little noticed story last week makes it hard not to take pride in our military men and women.
Severe thunderstorms swept through Arlington as the Honor Guard stood vigil during a funeral. A retired Air Force major was being laid to rest as it began to rain and everyone ran to their cars. A tornado watch was up. The storm worsened; mourners quickly scattered to get of the rain.
But the seven-person firing party? They stood their ground. The wind blew the hats off two of the airmen. At one point they could barely be seen, but the men stood like statues --impeccable in their duty. They never turned around to look at the storm out of concern for their own safety; they stood vigil to honor a fellow soldier until he was laid to rest. Touching Video here.
An Arlington spokesman said once a funeral starts, it can't stop.
--And every American --no matter how they feel about the military-- should watch the Changing of the Guard at Arlington's Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. It's breathtaking.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Top 5 Biggest Lies in Coastal Georgia

The top 5 local lies

5. This is the first of many houses about to be built at Liberty Harbor.
4. The roundabout on St. Simons will work even better once we open the second lane.
3. The jail will ruin downtown Brunswick.
2. It's more cost efficient to build a 20 million dollar addition on to the current jail.
...and the top local lie...
trust me, these condos across from the sewage treatment plant will be a good investment!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008



This is probably the best e-mail I've seen in a long, long time. The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President one day...

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes . (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?

Monday, May 26, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "An Old Farmer's Advice."

"An Old Farmer's Advice"

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong. **

* Keep skunks and bankers at a distance. **

*** Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...
not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner
than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge. **

*** You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a
rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches you from the mirror
every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and
a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to G~d.*