Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Mule

Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."





Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."





The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."





They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."





The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"





Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."





The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"







Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"





A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.





"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"




Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Marine Corps Bumper Stickers

Bumper stickers seen on a Marine Corps Base
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"Water-boarding is out, so kill them all!"
"Interrogators can't water board dead guys"
"Stop Global Whining"
"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"
"Naval Corollary; Dead men don't testify "
"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"
"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"
"Marine Sniper - You can run, but you'll just die tired!"
"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? .... A little Recoil"
"Marines -- Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For their Country since 1775"
"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"
"Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon"
"It's God's Job to forgive Bin Laden -- It's Our Job to Arrange the Meeting"
"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just a Brawl"
"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- US Navy Gun Fire Support"
"My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college"
"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"
"A Dead Enemy Is a Peaceful Enemy -- Blessed Be the Peacemakers"
"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran"
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." - Ronald Reagan

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Great Football Quotes"

Quotes from past gridiron legends have added to football's lore and should be passed on to today's youth to increase their wisdom...

#1. 'Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ' - Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

#2. 'After you retire, there's only one big event left... And I ain't ready for that.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#3. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#4. 'When you win, nothing hurts.' - Joe Namath / Alabama

#5. 'Motivation is simple.. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#6. 'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!' - Bear Bryant / Alabama

#7. 'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#8. 'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

#9. 'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.' - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

#10. 'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' - Wally Butts / Georgia

#11. 'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.' - Paul Dietzel / LSU

#12. 'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama

#13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. 'No, but you can see it from here.' - Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...

#14. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama

#15. 'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.' - Matty Bell / SMU

#16. 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#17. 'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' - Alex Karras / Iowa

#18. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

#19. 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#20. 'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' - Shug Jordan / Auburn

#21. 'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' - Darrell Royal / Texas

#22. 'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#23. 'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' - Spike Dykes / TexasTech

#24. 'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

#25. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#26. 'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' - John McKay / USC

#28. 'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

#29. 'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#30. 'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' - Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#31. 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' -Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#32. 'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.' -Darrell Royal / Texas

#33. 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' - Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

#34. 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad.' - Darrell Royal / University of Texas

#35. 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.' - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: An Old Farmer's Advice

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.