Friday, October 31, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Trick-or-treating"


--Instead of "fun", they give out candy in "mildly-amusing" size.

--Every house has a "Nader" sign on the lawn.

--Every piece of candy comes glued to a Book of Mormon.

--All of the neighbors have had to register with the state.

--Instead of candy, people are handing out adjustable-rate mortgages.

--People's idea of "scary music" is blasting Clay Aiken all over the neighborhood.

--People will only give you candy after you sit through a four-hour lecture on timeshares.

--The only "candy" within miles is a dancer at the dirty carpet.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Sack Lunches

A friend of mine sent this in:

The Sack Lunches

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.

' Chicago - to Great Lakes Base. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq '

After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached Chicago , and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to Chicago '

His friend agreed.

I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is your thanks.'

After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said, 'I want to shake your hand.'

Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.

When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!

Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals.

It seemed so little...

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America '
for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people
in this country who no longer understand it.'

Monday, October 20, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Top 6 Things Overheard At This Year's Brunswick Stewbilee"


6. That's kinda funny..The Liberty Harbor display was supposed to be next to the Georgia Pacific Team, but it's not built yet!

5. The Wave 104.1's wild taste in it's stew and Tater seen picking up roadkill on Hiway 17...hmm?

4. See that guy with the goofy Pirate hat...he used to be the Mayor. See that guy with the even goofier outfit? He's the current mayor!

3. Why was Joe Willie picking up a vat of grease at the Weenee Wagon?

2. Were the hot chicks dancing with K.C. his granddaughters?

1. The Dirty Rug Stew may not taste very good...but it looks ok if you look at in the dark and thru cigarette smoke.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Rules For Non-Military Personnel

Subject: FW: FW: Rules For Non-Military Personnel.

Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem - kick their a__.

2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest - kick their a__.

3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them of the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while a disabled veteran kicks their a__.

4. (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you
were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling
others that you used to be 'Special Forces,' and collecting GI Joe
memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now,
it will only make you look stupid and get your a__ kicked.

5. Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an a__-kicking (children are exempt).

6. If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military',
inform them of their mistake - and kick their a__.

7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get
on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her - of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a
severe a__-kicking.

8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief
(CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC
regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens
inside those big important buildings where all those representatives
meet All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up
the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If
you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get
your a__ kicked!

9. "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me - stop
it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore could kick
your ass!

10. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying
"Let's go kill those Commies/" And stop asking us where he is!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me-
if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know,
so I can go kick their a__!

11. 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt'
(Army), 'Squid'
(Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment
use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you
have not earned the right to use them. Using them could get your a__

12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and
religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
marines and airmen far from home wishing they could be with their
families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every
day. Without them, our country would get it's a__ kicked.

'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of

'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of

'It's the Veteran, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom

'It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn
the flag.'

One more:
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
anthem in Spanish - Yea, you got it, KICK THEIR A__.

Oh, oh, here's another:

If you got this email and didn't pass it on - guess what - you deserve
to get your a__ kicked!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BULL MARKET – (ALT) A market where traders try to convince investors they’re going to come out ahead on stock deals.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.