Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "My Dog"

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365.
Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, OH S@#*, my dog is a democrat!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Shooting Advice"

Clint Smith, Director of Thunder Ranch, is part drill instructor and part standup comic.
Thunder Ranch is a top firearms training facility in Arizona.

Here are a few of his observation on tactics, firearms, self defense and
life as we know it in the civilized world.

"The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win and cheat if necessary."

"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way.."

"Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets.
You may get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with it, cause it's going to be empty."

"If you're not shooting, you should be loading. If you're not loading, you
should be moving, if you're not moving, someone's gonna cut your head off and put
it on a stick."

"When you reload in low light encounters, don't put your flashlight in your back pocket.. If you light
yourself up, you'll look like an angel or the tooth fairy.. and you're gonna be one of 'em pretty

"Do something. It may be wrong, but do something."

"Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available."

"If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid.
That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for."

"Don't shoot fast, unless you also shoot good."

"You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or use any other word you think will work,
but I've found that a large bore muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much the
universal language."

"You have the rest of your life to solve your problems. How long you live
depends on how well you do it."

"You cannot save the planet but you may be able to save yourself and your family."

"Thunder Ranch will be here as long as you'll have us or until someone
makes us go away; and either way, it will be very exciting."

More Excellent Gun Wisdom.......

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.

1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

4. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.

5. A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model
1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.'

6. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity.

7. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on
his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'

8. Beware of the man who only has one gun, because he probably knows how to
use it very well.

'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but
because he loves what is behind
him.' ~G. K. Chesterton

A people that values its privileges above its principles will soon lose

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do
not.." - Thomas Jefferson

Protect your 2nd Amendment rights... to protect your family and country.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "The 12 Days of Christmas, Deconstructed"

"The 12 Days of Christmas, Deconstructed"

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed
midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-
rape-survivor gave to me:

+ TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior
through ritual drumming.

+ ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit
orchestra made up of members in good standing
of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their
union contract even though they will not be asked
to play a note...)

+ TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned
scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

+ NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

+ EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons
stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Europeans,

+ SEVEN endangered swans swimming on protected

+ SIX enslaved fowl-Europeans producing stolen
nonhuman animal products,

+ FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced
domestic incarceration,

NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front
threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the
calling birds, French hens and partridge have been
reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
animal-European enslavement, the remaining gift
package has been revised.

+ FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

+ THREE deconstructionist poets,

+ TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled
processed tree carcasses

+ And an Animal Rights activist chained to an old-
growth pear tree.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Handbook For 2010


1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "We Survived!"

"To All The Kids Who Survived
The 50s, 60s And 70s!"

First, we survived being born to mothers who
smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing,
tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were
covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles,
doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes,
we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks
we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat
belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day
was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT
from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from
one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and
drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't
overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE

We would leave home in the morning and play all
day, as long as we were back when the street
lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of
scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out
we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes,
no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no
video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones,
no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms...WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and
found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made
up games with sticks and tennis balls and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out
very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and
knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked
in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made
the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal
with disappointment. Imagine that!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the
law was unheard of. They actually sided with the

This generation has produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The
past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation
and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL.

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You're on the right side of the grass!

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Important Instructions"

"Important Instructions"

The following is from the US Government Peace
Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the
Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you
are attacked by an anaconda. An anaconda is
the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of
the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in
length and weighs between three and four
hundred pounds at the maximum.

This is what the manual said:

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run.
The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight
against your sides, your legs tight against one

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will come and begin to nudge and
climb over your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin
to swallow you from the feet and - always from the
end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and
ankles. Do not panic.

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into
its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take
a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly
and with as little movement as possible, reach
down, take your knife and very gently slide it into
the side of the snake's mouth between the edge
of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip
upwards, severing the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Truth About Rudolph

The story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A guy named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter, Barbara, sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bobs wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dads eyes and asked, "Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob. Being small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember.
From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938. Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined a make one - a storybook!
Bob had created an animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose.
Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn't end there. The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter.
But the story doesn't end there either. Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore , it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of "White Christmas." The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a blessing!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Downsizing Christmas"

Christmas downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.