Thursday, August 20, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: An Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!!!

"THE MORAL: Someone may be promising "Change" in Washington ; but don't count on things smelling any better

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Divorce Agreement



American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists And Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.

You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years..

John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand, & Jane Fonda with you.

P.... S. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English

Monday, August 17, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Happier Great-Granparents

Why Our Great-Grandparents were Happier Than We Are...

Bayers Heroin

A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.
It was also used to treat children with strong cough.

Coca Wine, anyone?

Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine onthe market.
Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani wine

Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time.
Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time.
He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.


Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of NewYork. It was suggested that you
should take a full glass with or after every meal... Children should take half a glass.

A paper weight:

A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne ( Mannheim , Germany ).
They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing
Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma:

No comments.

Cocaine tablets (1900)

All stage actors, singers teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance.
Great to "smooth" the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache

Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children happy!

Opium for new-borns

I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only the Opium, but 46% alcohol!)

No wonder they were called The Good Old Days!!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Obama's Health Plan

Bob From FLETC called this in:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at the Red Carpet.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park off of Highway 17."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan works for Roto Rooter .
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill on Altama Avenue last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Everyone Has The Right To Eat.

Everyone has a right to eat.

If you go to your favorite restaurant you should be served. Some people can’t afford this restaurant and must go to a less expensive place to eat. This dining establishment will be run by the government and charge the same prices for all. Since everyone has a right to eat no one will be turned away. If they can’t afford the bill then the government will pay for the meal. Some people do not want to eat out every night. No matter, they will be charged for a meal anyway. This will help pay for those free meals that will be given away.
If for some reason you decide not to eat at your favorite place and try dining out at the government restaurant you can never go back to where you once ate. You must continue to eat at the government run restaurant. Meanwhile your favorite restaurant has been told by the government that they have five years to change their menu and prices to match that of the government establishment.
As time goes by more and more people are eating at the government restaurant. Many of the privately owned places are closed since their customer base is dwindling and they can’t compete with places that give out free meals. The waiting lines at the government restaurants are getting longer and longer. In order to meet the expanded capacity the seating hostess insists upon reservations a week in advance and she will make the determination as to exactly when you can eat. The government restaurant is now running out of food because the budget does not allow for so many customers. The seating hostess again has a solution. Some people will be served smaller portions since they do not need as much food. Elderly people especially do not burn as many calories as younger folks and only need to eat every other day. This decision was not made by a trained nutritionist but by the wait staff at the restaurant. Even so the government restaurant still cannot turn a profit and costs are going up. The people are told that some folks have plenty of money and can pay for their meals and provide enough to expand the government restaurant. Therefore we can take money from those wealthy folks and give it away to those who need it. The people are not allowed to do this of course because that would be stealing so the government does this and calls it progressive taxation. To avoid this theft many of the wealthy people move their money to another location so there is none left to steal.
Soon we find that everyone is eating for free but the food isn’t any good. The wait for a table is terribly long and you do not get what you want to eat but only what you are told you deserve to eat. Farmers do not want to sell their vegetables for the prices the government is willing to pay. Chefs cannot create appetizing and nutritious entrees since there is no material and little incentive to improve the menu. In fact there is a drastic shortage of chefs since the private restaurants have closed down and there is no profit to be made for those who want to make a living in the culinary arts.
Now there are food shortages everywhere. The people cry out for help because they are starving but there is no help. How do you like your free meals now?

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Set Your Priorities


When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes....'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed..'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.'

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children..

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.