Thursday, November 29, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: 'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Democrat, Republican, or Southern?

Subject: Dem, Rep or Southern

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wifeand two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises theknife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ............................................................. THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:







Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!Does the man look poor or oppressed?Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?Could we run away?What does my wife think?What about the kids?Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knockthe knife out of his hand?What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kindof message does this send to society and to my children?Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he becontent just to wound me?If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could myfamily get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 9-1-1?Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day andmake this happier, healthier street that woulddiscourage such behavior.This is all so confusing! I need to debate this withsome friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. ....................................................................................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG! ..................................................................................................................
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG! ClickDaughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Here's one to debate. Excessive violence? Taking the law into his own hands? Protecting his neighbor? Self-defense?

Texas man kills burglars as 911 operator listens
Case may test state's self-defense laws

Associated Press
Published on: 11/26/07

Houston — The cha-chick of a shell entering a shotgun's chamber rattled through the 911 line just before Joe Horn stepped out his front door.

Horn, 61, had phoned police when he saw two men break into his neighbor's suburban Houston home through a window in broad daylight. Now they were getting away with a bag of loot.

"Don't go outside the house," the 911 operator pleaded. "You're going to get yourself shot if you go outside that house with a gun. I don't care what you think."

"You want to make a bet?" Horn answered. "I'm going to kill them."

He did.

Admirers, including several of his neighbors, say Horn is a hero for killing the burglars, protecting his neighborhood and sending a message to would-be criminals. Critics call him a loose cannon. His attorney says Horn just feared for his life.

Prosecuting Horn could prove difficult in Texas, where few people sympathize with criminals and many have an almost religious belief in the right to self-defense. The case could test the state's self-defense laws, which allow people to use deadly force in certain situations to protect themselves, their property and their neighbors' property.

'Do you want me to stop them?'

Horn was home in Pasadena, about 15 miles southeast of Houston, on Nov. 14 when he heard glass breaking, said his attorney, Tom Lambright. He looked out the window and saw 38-year-old Miguel Antonio DeJesus and 30-year-old Diego Ortiz using a crowbar to break out the rest of the glass.

He grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun and called 911, Lambright said.

"Uh, I've got a shotgun," he told the dispatcher. "Uh, do you want me to stop them?"

"Nope, don't do that," the dispatcher responded. "Ain't no property worth shooting somebody over, OK?"

Horn and the dispatcher spoke for several minutes, during which Horn pleaded with the dispatcher to send someone to catch the men and vowed not to let them escape. Over and over, the dispatcher told him to stay inside. Horn repeatedly said he couldn't.

When the men crawled back out the window carrying a bag, Horn began to sound increasingly frantic.

"Well, here it goes, buddy," Horn said as a shell clicked into the chamber. "You hear the shotgun clicking, and I'm going."

A few seconds passed.

"Move," Horn can be heard saying on the tape. "You're dead."

Boom.

Click.

Boom.

Click.

Boom.

Horn redialed 911 and told the dispatcher what he'd done.

"I had no choice," he said, his voice shaking. "They came in the front yard with me, man. I had no choice. Get somebody over here quick."

Lambright said Horn had intended to take a look around when he left his house and instead came face to face with the burglars, standing 10 to 12 feet from him in his yard.

Horn is heavyset and middle-aged and would have been no match in a physical confrontation with the two men, who were young and strong, Lambright said. So when one or both of them "made lunging movements," Horn fired in self-defense, he said.

Family members of the two shooting victims have made few public statements.

Diamond Morgan, Ortiz's widow, who has an 8-month-old son with him, told Houston television station KTRK that she was stunned by Horn's statements on the 911 tape. "It's horrible," she said. "He was so eager, so eager to shoot."

The Associated Press could not find a telephone listing for Morgan.

Memories of Bernard Goetz

The case brought back memories of Bernard Goetz, the New Yorker whom some hailed as a folk hero after he shot four teenagers he said were trying to rob him when they asked for $5 on a subway in 1984.

Goetz was cleared of attempted murder and assault charges but convicted of illegal possession of the gun he used to shoot the youths. He served 8 months in jail and was ordered by a jury to pay $43 million to one of the teenagers he shot.

Pasadena police were still investigating Monday and planned to present their findings to Harris County prosecutors within the next two weeks, police spokesman Vance Mitchell said. From there, it is expected to be presented to a grand jury. In the meantime, Horn remains uncharged.

Texas law allows people to use deadly force to protect themselves if it is reasonable to believe they could otherwise be killed. In some cases, people also can use deadly force to protect their neighbors' property; for example, if a homeowner asks a neighbor to watch over his property while he's out of town.

At issue is whether it was reasonable for Horn to fear the men and whether his earlier threats on the 911 call showed he planned to kill them no matter what, said Fred C. Moss, who teaches criminal law at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: What Are You Thankful For?

A friend of mine sent me this:

"Things To Be Thankful For"

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable
homework assignment to write an essay on "something
I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in
my room trying to figure out just what in the world that
could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down
everything I could think of from G~d to environmental
consciousness. But after having children, my priorities
have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born
the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis
shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can
hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which
gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety
locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls
them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling
program which will preserve our natural resources
and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers
because every time my son wanders into water in
plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the
size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic
vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable
macaroni and cheese -- without which my children
would be surviving on about three bites of cereal
and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity
to obtain a college education and have a higher
quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a
complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic
medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough
syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young
children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the
teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured
me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for all of the
people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down
to pantyhouse and a strategically placed scarf
before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity
to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could
experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to
make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood
Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the Butterball
turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm,
cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on
the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material
objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy
clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby
spits up and misses my good shoes.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "The Price of A Miracle"

"The Price of a Miracle"


A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass
jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.

She poured the change out on the floor and counted
it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be
exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.

Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting
on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made
her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big
red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her
some attention, but he was too busy at this moment.
Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise.
Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most
disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally
she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the
glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an
annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from
Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without
aiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess
answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's
really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle."

"I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

"His name is Andrew and he has something bad
growing inside his head and my Daddy says only
a miracle can save him now. So how much does
a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry
but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening
a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't
enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how
much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man.
He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What
kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up.
I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he
needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it,
so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?" asked the man from
Chicago.

"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered
barely audibly.

"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some
more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A
dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a
miracle for little brothers. "

He took her money in one hand and with the other
hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to
where you live. I want to see your brother and meet
your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong,
a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The
operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't
long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain
of events that had led them to this place.

"That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real
miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"

Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a
miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents....
plus the faith of a little child.

In our lives, we never know how many miracles
we will need.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law,
but the operation of a higher law.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: This Governor DID have a prayer!

As you know the state of Georgia has suffering from an extreme drought. Many of the state's main reservoirs have almost dried up. Governor Sonny Perdue has water restrictions in place, launched a legal battle to keep the federal government from releasing water from these lakes, and he's made a direct appeal to President Bush for help. Yesterday, the Governor appealed to a higher power. Governor Sonny Perdue with the help of a group of Protestant ministers led an hour long ceremony on the steps of the Capitol in Atlanta. Hopefully the prayer will work.
While the Governor led the prayer a group of protesters were rallying against the idea of mixing religion with government. Hold on! You've certainly got the right to protest in this great country.
But don't also have the right to pray. I'm sure that any private citizen could set-up a protest on the Capitol steps by going through the proper procedure. Sonny Perdue may be the Governor, but he's also a citizen. So, concerned citizen Sonny Perdue led a group of other concerned citizens in a prayer service. What's the big deal? Prayer never hurts! In fact, prayer still works. I just hope that maybe those without a prayer will soon see that!
Amen!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Stop Tailgating!

Once again we have another tragic wreck on the highway caused by tailgating. This time two trucks were involved. The first truck slowed down because of some sort of mechanical malfunction. The second truck was obviously too close to slow down in time and crashed into the first vehicle.
The lesson here, again, don't follow too closely! Make sure you have plenty of time to react to the vehicle in front. We're not in a NASCAR event! Slow down! Remember the two second rule. Watch the vehicle pass a certain mark or object. Count and make sure that you don't pass that mark in less than two seconds. That's the two second rule. It's really simple and it could save your life!

Monday, November 5, 2007

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: CELLPHONE ETIQUETTE


What did we do before we had cell phones? Some of us important people, some of us who thought we were important people, policemen, volunteer firefighters, doctors and drug dealers had pagers. When someone needed to speak with you they would call your pager number. You would then receive either a numerical page or an audio message.

After we evaluated the importance of the message we would either find the nearest phone
(often a pay phone) or wait until we got back to the office to respond. For some reason we didn’t have to live our lives around answering our cell phones like we do now. We could go to church without having a cell phone attached to our waist. We could go the movies without having to answer some stupid call during a quiet scene. We could eat dinner with friends and family that we really love without being interrupted by a casual aquaintance.

I know that we can’t go back in time, but we can go forward with civility. Use courtesy when it comes your personal communicator (formerly called the cell-phone). Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to drop everything you’re doing to answer every call. If it’s that important they’ll call back. If you do have an important call that you must take while you’re in a restaurant or a movie theatre go outside to engage in your conversation. No one else wants to hear it! When you go to church leave the phone in the car. That should be God’s time and his time alone! Otherwise you may have ‘splaining to do at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells you, “The Lord was trying to get to you, but you were busy on the phone while you were in his house.”

It’s ok to have a cell phone, wireless phone, personal communicator or whatever they call it next week. Just use common sense and good manners when you use it.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Are We No Longer Thankful For Thanksgiving?

ARE WE NO LONGER THANKFUL FOR THANKSGIVING? IT SEEMS LIKE WE GO STRAIGHT FROM HALLOWEEN TO CHRISTMAS! WHY DON’T WE GIVE THE “TRUE AMERICAN HOLIDAY” THE RESPECT IT DESERVES? WHAT HAPPENED TO THANKSGIVING DECORATIONS? ARE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BULLETIN BOARDS THE LAST BASTION FOR THE PILGRIMS, CORNUCOPIAS AND TURKEYS. DOES ANYONE STILL MAKE THE PINE CONE TURKEYS? IF YOU LANDED HERE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY YOU WOULD THINK BY WALKING THROUGH OUR STORES THAT WE GO STRAIGHT FROM HALLOWEEN TO THANKSGIVING. YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE A CLUE THAT OUR COUNTRY’S TRUE AMERICAN HOLIDAY WAS SANDWICHED IN BETWEEN THE DAY OF RECEIVING CANDY AND THE DAY OF RECEIVING GIFTS.

YOU’VE NOW GOT PEOPLE DECORATING THEIR HOMES AND YARDS FOR HALLOWEEN WITH THE SAME EXUBERANCE THAT THEY USE TO DECORATE FOR CHRISTMAS. I’M SURPRISED THAT THE MALLS AND SHOPPING CENTERS DON’T HAVE A GIANT PUMPKIN CHARACTER WAITING IN CENTERCOURT TO BE PHOTOGRAPHED, AT A REASONABLE FEE, WITH YOUR EXCITED CHILDREN. IF THEY CAN MAKE A PROFIT AT EASTER WITH THE EASTER BUNNY, THEN WHY NOT A PUMPKIN? FOR THAT MATTER, WHY NOT GET A PHOTO WITH THE GREAT TURKEY OR WITH A PILGRIM?

I SAY IT’S TIME TO STAND UP FOR THANKSGIVING! LET’S GIVE THE DAY THE THANKS THAT IT REALLY DESERVES. WE NEED TO START PUTTING THANKSGIVING DECORATIONS OUT ON THE LAWN. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND AN INFLATABLE PILGRIM OR TURKEY? HOW ABOUT THE MAYFLOWER CHURNING THRU STORMY SEAS IN ONE OF THOSE INFLATABLE GLOBE THINGS? I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE AN ANIMATED TURKEY POPPING OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE WHILE THE PILGRIM TAKES A SHOT AT IT.

IT’S PROBABLY TOO CLOSE TO CHRISTMAS TO PUT UP A THANKSGIVING TREE. WE COULD, HOWEVER, PUT UP A TURKEY DAY BUSH. INSTEAD OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, WE COULD ADORN IT WITH LIT-UP CORNUCOPIAS. AND SINCE A LOT OF US WON’T TOUCH THE CRANBERRY SAUCE WE NEED TO FIND A DECORATIVE USE FOR THAT AS WELL.

AND ONE LAST THING: THANKSGIVING NEEDS SOME MORE SONGS. HOW MANY THANKSGIVING SONGS CAN YOU NAME? THE ONLY ONE THAT COMES TO MY MIND IS THAT CRAP THAT ADAM SANDLER WAS SINGING A FEW YEARS AGO. CHRISTMAS HAS A TON OF SONGS. EVEN HALLOWEEN HAS PLENTY. WHAT CAN WE SING AFTER WE DEVOUR THE TURKEY?

JOIN ME IN THIS CAUSE, CAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. LET’S GIVE OUR TRUE AMERICAN HOLIDAY THE RESPECT IT TRULY DESERVES. WE SHOULD ALL BE THANKFUL FORE THANKSGIVING!