Friday, September 28, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox:Show Me The Money!

Show me the money! Better yet, show me where the money is going to come from. The City Of Brunswick is talking about spending more of your money. The police chief wants her officers to get new hats at the cost of $200 each. You're looking at total of roughly $14,000 for hats that will probably stay in the trunks of the police cars like the old hats do now. Why do cops need hats in these days and times?
Let your head breathe! Most officers don't wear hats anyway, the headgear just gets in the way. Will the policemen have to put on their new fancy "Smokey Bear" hat before they start chasing after the naked guy running through downtown Brunswick. The Mayor was topless when he took chase. He didn't need a hat. Bottomline: we don't need to spend the money. If you need a hat for a funeral or some other special event wear the old "bus driver" cap and be done with it. The other waste of taxpayer's money is the proposed animal shelter in the City of Brunswick. The Mayor wants the city to build a low-kill shelter. Low-kill or regular-kill, it will take a toll on our pocketbook. Why does the city even need its own shelter, when we can make use of the county's facility. Oh, I almost forgot, someone got their feelings hurt when the county's Animal Control Director got on to them for being slack. Next thing we know the city is digging into to the budget and dupicating services. When you duplicate you waste money! Forget about showing me the money!
Let's just try not to spend it!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Brunswick's Freedom Shrine

Every year the Exchange Club of Brunswick installs a Freedom Shrine in a public location in our community. You may have seen these Freedom Shrines at various schools and other facilities. The Freedom Shrine has framed copies of our country's most important historical documents. You'll see the Declaration Of Independence, The Constitution, The Magna Carta, The Gettysburg Address, The Bill Of Rights, and many other documents that have shaped our nation. Yesterday A new Freedom Shrine was placed at Jane Macon Middle School. I think that the Freedom Shrine should have a little more local flavor. It should have documents that have shaped that community's past and continue to help steer it into the future. It is my belief that any Freedom Shrine in Brunswick should have a few more documents added. Here is my proposed Top 5 Additions to the Brunswick Freedom Shrine:

5. The paperwork for Cap Fendig to have his name legally changed to Prez Fendig.

4. Mayor Bryan Thompson deeding the city to the developers of Liberty Harbor in his own Deal Or No Deal.

3. Joe Willie's Birth Certificate proving that "The Hardest Workin' Portagee In Show Business" is indeed an American Citizen.

2. The first dirty magazine that the late City Commissioner Ken Plyman ever sold.
(This document will be covered by a plain brown wrapper.)

And the top new addition to the Brunswick Freedom Shrine...
The receipt for Brunswick Police Chief Edna Johnson's new "irrigate" sprinkler system.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: George Carlin's New Rules For 2007


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for "". There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above your butt crack. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying that tweren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting. What's next, competitive wind breakinging? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just did something. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Loudspeaker Isn't Loud Enough!

The Loudspeaker isn't loud enough! Glynn County has one of the finest high school stadiums in the country, yet we have a "K-Mart" sound system. Who put this in? I've been told that our school board spent a pretty penny on the stadium's sound. Someone apparently saw us coming!
We got ripped off! I've sat in the General admission section on the home side and I couldn't hear the announcer. I've sat across the field in the visitor's stands on the 50 yard line and I could barely hear the announcer. Most stadiums have speakers mounted throughout the stadium. That's not the case at Glynn County Stadium. Our brain trust installed all of the speakers on the press box. Oh yeah, you can hear Mister P.A. announcer in the reserved seat section, but you can hardly hear hear him anywhere else! Is that the plan? Want to hear the announcer?
Pay the price for the more expensive seats! Give the money that they spent on this and I'll go to Radio Shack and fix it myself! Well at least, we have free parking! Don't get me started on the poor planning of getting people out of the parking lot. Where were the traffic cops? Where were the school's resources officers? Maybe they should have been paged on the stadium's P.A. They probably were paged...they just couldn't hear it!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Your Barber May Be Crazy

The Top 7 Signs Your Barber Is Crazy

7. His blow dryer: a can of hair spray and a lit cigar.

6. Mounted on a plaque over the door are the ears of his very first customer.

5. Tries to convince every teenaged guy to go for the "Farrah Fawcett look."

4. Before he sweeps up, he invites you down on the floor with him to make hair angels.

3. Flowbee + nitrous blower + crystal meth = world's fastest haircut, baby!

2. Asks you if you'd prefer the Don King or the Bald Britney.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Barber Is Crazy...

There's a Silly Straw sticking out of the disinfectant jar and his tongue is blue.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The 4 Truths

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: 4 truths

During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: How To Stay Young

How To Stay Young"

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches;)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer,crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM / HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on.The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Festivals

How many times have you heard someone say, "There ain't nothing to do around here"? Or you might hear, "Yeah, but it's so expensive!" Well, the truth is that there is plenty to do and most of it is free or doesn't cost much at all. This weekend the folks on Jekyll present their annual Shrimp & Grits Festival. Look around there's plenty to do. Go to the beach. Go bikeriding.
Take a tour of the local historical sights. Take a walk. Get out of the house. Take it all in. There's a big world out there to explore. You can get a good start here in our little part of the world.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Read!

Our community is encouraging everyone to spend more time reading with a celebration called "The Big Read". Reading is one of the easiest things you can do. Find your material, sit down, relax and jump into a whole new dimension. Reading can entertain, educate and stimulate. You can explore new worlds, journey into old worlds, and examine your own world in fine detail.

Reading is probably the most important that we learn on this journey we're all embarked on called life. Everything we do revolves around reading. When asked by young folks about required skills to get into broadcasting or the entertainment industry I always tell them that reading is the most important. Read all that you can get your hands on!

Everyday I start the morning reading two or three newspapers. After that it's on to the Internet where I visit several websites. Along the way, I'll read magazines and other periodicals, and of course mail. For relaxation I try to read part of a novel as well. And of course, the best read of the day comes when I pick up the greatest book of all time, "The Holy Bible." Read! You might just learn something. It might even make you a better person.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Hector the Hero

By now you've probably heard about the guy, identified only as Hector, who shot two would be robbers early Monday morning. One of the robbers is dead and the other is in bad shape at the hospital. Hector whipped out a 45 and started taking care of business. The District Attorney has now stated that charges will not be filed against the south end shootist. I think we should do more for Hector. Let's recognize this modern day Charles Bronson styled citizen shooter. A key to the city would be nice, but for heroics of this magnitude we need to do more. Here's a few ways we could honor Hector The Hero:

Have the City Manager, The Mayor and the City police chief personally put a sprinkler system in Hector's front yard.

Rename one of the shooting ranges at FLETC for Hector

Make Hector head of security at Liberty Harbor

Put Hector in charge of a special court that takes care of really bad criminals like
murderers and child molestors. He would not only be the judge, but the jury and the executioner as well. What a great American!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Guns and more guns.

With all of the violence lately in Brunswick and the Golden Isles, the call for gun buybacks has begun. The cry is "to bring in your guns, and we'll buy them from you. Let's take illegal guns off the streets!" The problem with this concept is that while it looks good and feels good to politicians, it has no effect on crime. Show me a study that proves the gun buyback programs work! Here's what happens:
people bring in malfunctioning weapons that haven't worked in years, and then the bad guys start stealing guns from honest hard working folks like us. Do you really think that the drug dealers and career criminals are going to voluntarily give up their heaters? Not gonna happen! Here's a better idea: let's start handing out guns to the honest folks so that they have a better chance at protecting themselves.
Make shooting lessons standard issue with the new weapons.

Some communities have passed laws stating that their citizens should be armed. A city filled with "Heroic Hectors" ready to really take a shot at stopping crime.