Friday, April 25, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Share The Pork

Grocery prices are increasing, and even a casual reader of news probably knows that food shortages have led to riots around the world. But lawmakers in Washington are covering their ears, closing their eyes, and pretending that everything is the same, says the NY Times.

Although American farmers are making record incomes, Congress is getting ready to pass the typical farm bill that has billions in the same old subsidies. "It really is astounding," said one House member. "It's as if this farm bill is being negotiated in a vacuum."

How about sharing that pork? I say we get subsidies for shrimpers for not catching shrimp! Hey Captain, here's your check for not going out today. Thanks.

How about paying musicians for not doing certain songs. Better yet, pay somebody like Vic Waters for not playing certain keys on his keyboards. You send Brad Paisley a subsidy for not hitting a certain note on his guitar.

I could get subsidies for not telling certain jokes. Send me a check for not talking trash about some politician. I like this plan a lot.

Husbands could get paid for not doing yard work. Leave the grass alone and collect the green.

Why stop there. Let's pay school systems for not educating our children. Oh, we're already doing that.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: True Friendship

True Friendship - None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsiness.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
'because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing in your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Perks Of Being Over 50


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Wife's Bill of Rights

The Wife's Bill of Rights
By Jill Adler

We, the wives of America, love being married to the husbands of America. We know we have our faults, but with our ever-morphing roles these days, there's a lot of pressure on us to be superhuman. We care for our families, manage the home, keep ourselves attractive, and even bring home our shares of the bacon. We know we sometimes lash out, but we really do want to "live happily ever after" with you. Our mutual acknowledgement of these amendments can go a long way toward achieving that.

Amendment I
We have the right to dislike your buddies.
We know it's important for you to have your guy friends, but you should know by now that we're not turned on by your stories of the good old days at college, your sexual exploits, or which relief pitcher the Red Sox should trade. Disappear for a while and be boys—it's OK, go chug beer and high-five—but please don't expect us to be happy when your friends come over and put their feet on our coffee tables or leave their beer cans on the floor.

Amendment II
We have the right to experience PMS in all its glory.
Either give us our space or accept the consequences. We know it's unfair, but some of us just can't rein it in. You knew that before you married us. We may shout, cry, belittle, act irrationally. It lasts a few days each month, so please deal with it. Or even better: Bring home dinner, clear the dishes, and give us a big hug.

Amendment III
We have the right to demand you finish a household job.
We're not your mothers, and we loathe having to act like them. If you wash the dishes, do them all and clean the sink, too. Don't just bag the trash, take it outside to the bin. If you start a load of laundry, put it in the dryer and fold it too. We don't like nagging any more than you like hearing it.

Amendment IV
We have the right to an honest answer to "What's wrong?"
We admit guilt in this area too, but "Nothing" says nothing. If we ask, it's not because we're trying to make casual conversation. It's because we love you and need an honest answer. If there truly is nothing wrong, then ask why we think otherwise. Yes, this could open a can of worms, but remember when we dated and talked about everything?

Amendment V
We have the right to keep our secrets.
Not marriage-ending ones, just small secrets we choose to hide from others. If we don't want to speak our age or share our true hair color or reveal the cheesy TV shows we watch in private, it's not your place to reveal them to our friends, your business partners, or your ex-girlfriends/wives. We're not asking you to lie for us, but we would appreciate your discretion.

Amendment VI
We have the right to clean air.
You may think it's funny, masculine, or natural to pass gas anywhere and anytime you please, but when the smell drives us to gag, it's uncool. There is something inherently wrong in the relationship if you must walk over to us and fart, or if you intentionally set a bad example for the kids. We fart too, but we do so discreetly for a reason. You may not like our potpourri and scented candles, but they're infinitely better than toxic and flammable methane.

Amendment VII
We have the right to keep and bear tons of girly bathroom products.
You have your tools; so do we. These items are expensive and to be used sparingly. It brings no joy to see our $15 bath bar shrunk down to the size of a quarter after two passes on your chest and legs.

Amendment VIII
We have the right to speak to our girlfriends every day.
About whatever we want, whenever we want. Please don't eavesdrop or criticize. We know you're not that interested in gossip or psycho-analytical interpretations of why some people do what they do, so we turn to our like-minded female friends for instant gratification. Yes, we do talk about you—a lot. It helps us work through issues. This keeps us happy, sane and, usually, off your case.

Amendment IX
We have the right to flirt.
Not the kind that makes you jealous, but the healthy practice of connecting with another person on a non-sexual level. Light banter is fun, quick-witted, and encouraging to our self esteem. It might even remind you of why you feel in love with us. And if it gets us a smoking deal on that new furnace or a free stay for the family at a million-dollar ski chalet, so much the better.

Amendment X
We have the right to foreplay.
A fine bottle of wine, soft music, deep looks into each other's eyes, compliments, holding hands, cuddling—these are all forms of foreplay, and we insist on them. Please don't reach for the jackpot and expect us to melt into a porn kitten. It didn't work when we met, it most certainly doesn't work now. Sure, we women are strong and independent, and appreciate an inspired quickie when the moment strikes, but we also have an inner soft spot the size of Texas that needs squeezing and cherishing. We appreciate you more when you think about how it feels to us rather than how it feels to you.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Never Had it So Good"

"Never Had It So Good"

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things
were when they were growing up; what with walking
twenty-five miles to school every morning .... uphill
BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of
bull like that on kids about how hard I had it and how
easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know
how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet.
If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the
damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card

There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody
a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way
across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would
take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal
music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store
and shoplift it yourself.

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*%
it all up!

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were
on the phone and somebody else called they got a
busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When
the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be
your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your
drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games
with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and
the graphics sucked !

Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use
your imagination! And there were no multiple levels
or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! .
Just like LIFE.

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing
as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height!
If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of
you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed.

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was
only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen
menu and no remote control! You had to use a little
book called a TV Guide to find out what was on.

You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your bum and walk over to the TV
to change the channel and there was no Cartoon
Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait
ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little fools!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up, we had to use the stove or go build
a frigging fire ... imagine that!

If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid
JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever
like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today
have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back
in 1980!

The over 30 Crowd

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Things Can Get Ugly

"The Old Witch"

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the
monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch
could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's
youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his
freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult
question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the
answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer,
he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such
a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable
man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted
the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone:
the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the
court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one
could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for
only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous
throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice
but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question,
but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's
closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and
hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage,
made obscene noises, etc . He had never encountered
such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure
such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the
proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to
Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch
answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she to be
in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch
had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would
be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted
Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had
a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot,
steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the
bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him
on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what
had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to
her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth,
be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the
beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....
or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day,
a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at
night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or,
would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day,
but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy
wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR
choice before you scroll down below. OK??




Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to
make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would
be beautiful all the time because he had respected
her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

{I would end it here but cynical people added
the so-called 'moral of the story... - LadyHawke}

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down



The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way . .
Things are going to get ugly!

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "New Word Definitions"

"New Word Definitions"

Here are the winners of the Washington Post
Mensa Invitational, which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition. Put your thinking
cap on. These are really clever!!!

The 2006 winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying (or building)
a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND
an a- -hole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which only lasts until you realize that it was your
money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of getting some action.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This
one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes
and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n. ): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are
good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a spider

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito,
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Rural Northern Rednecks

A FRIEND OF MINE, WRITES: I've worked all over New York, and the following is true! The father away from "the city" you get, the more southern the people get! The only thing different is the accent. Well.... maybe a few little things also.

Listen up City Slickers !

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-86 goes east and west, I-81 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural NEW YORK waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in,
we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar?
It's available at BLACK LAKE'S bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the
closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women , regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in New York city call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot,
drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is important here and fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country,
and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines.
So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway.
We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all ourbread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska... worst case, you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will
have you out the next day.