Monday, July 30, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Who's To Blame

By now you've seen all of the reports of Phoenix copter crash. Now the blame game begins.
The investigation will continue this week into Friday's collision of two TV news helicopters in Phoenix that killed four people --the pilot and videographer on choppers for KNXV-TV and KTVK-TV. At the time of the crash, a total of six different helicopters were in the air covering a Phoenix police chase of a suspect who was later apprehended.
Air traffic control experts say that in cases like Friday's, each helicopter is assigned a specific altitude to maintain, and it's up to the individual pilots to keep informing each other of where they are. Five of the six helicopters were flying for TV, the other one was a police helicopter.
And incredibly, they're talking about charging the guy the police apprehended with the deaths of the four chopper occupants. Are you kidding me? The only helicopter that should have been in the air was the police chopper. You know what killed those four people? Ratings. People just love live cop chases on TV, and TV news directors are just so happy to send up their "Eye in the Sky." I hope some TV news folks lose a lot of sleep over this one for a long time. Just my opinion.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Stop This Sequel Madness

Has Hollywood gone mad? The powers that be need to rein in the the sequel madness and the propensity to remake old classic TV shows into feature length films. We've had "Bewitched", "Starsky and Hutch", "Dukes of Hazzard", and "Miami vice". There's been so many Star Wars prequels and sequels that I need a strong dose of NyQuil to help me forget about it! There's even another Indiana Jones movie in the works with Harrison Ford. Say what? How old is he now? 70? 80? Is he gonna wear depends under his khakis? Stop it! A good movie doesn't need a part two! How many sequels have actually been good? One! That's "The Godfather 2". It's almost as good as the first. But even those guys didn't know when to stop. Godfather 3 was terrible. Now there's talk that the Star Trek Movies may be revived. This new one is set before "The Original Series". Kirk and Spock are newly graduated Cadets fresh from Starfleet Academy and are sent on their first space mission. Stop it! Scotty beam us out! It's getting too crazy down here!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: We Can't Preserve Everything

Here we go again. The headline in this morning's Brunswick News reads "Preservationists lose fight". The article is about how the community couldn't save the old Selden Park gym from being torn down. The facility which hosted some of the biggest names on what was known as the "Chittlin' Circuit" back in the 50's and 60's was torn down yesterday. Several local groups tried to save the old 1950's era gym because of what they said was an important piece of African American History in Glynn County.
I can't argue with that. The building did have some historic value. Unfortunately,
the outcries against its demolition came too late. The building had already been replaced a few years ago with a new gym. Where were the preservationists then?
Why do we always wait until the last minute to start the fight? The truth of the matter is that the old gym was past the point of no return. The cost to repair and preserve it would be too high. That's why the County Commission had originally voted to replace it with a new building. Now the commission has voted to also build a multi-use civic building on the site as well. Everything in this world has a shelf life. Sometimes we can extend that shelf life. Sometimes we can't. That's the life cycle. Trees, buildings, people...nothing lasts forever.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Truth About Women Taking So Long In The Restroom

ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ?

You may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check
for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern
"seat covers" (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is
handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was
one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your
neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat
or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one
that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now,
you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That
would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.
It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits
your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and
you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,
tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of
course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form
on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother
would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare
bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just
don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused
that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the
inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that
covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty
toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found
in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,
so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the
line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very
end of the queue points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe,
plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need
this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left
the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What tookyou so long, and why is your
purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what
really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked
questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal
can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so
accurately!

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: History often repeats itself.

The president is a gorilla, an imbecile and a tyrant! Sound familiar? It should, if you've read a lot of history. That’s what the Northern press said about Lincoln during another unpopular war.

Monday, July 23, 2007

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: IMMIGRATION LAWS

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Immigration Laws
"Immigration Laws"
1. If you migrate to this country, you must speak the native language.
2. You have to be a professional or an investor.No unskilled workers allowed.
3. There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools, no special ballots for elections, all government business will be conducted inour language.
4. Foreigners will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are here.
5. Foreigners will NEVER be able to holdpolitical office.
6. Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs.
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, butit must be an amount equal to 40,000 timesthe daily minimum wage.
8. If foreigners do come and want to buy landthat will be okay, BUT options will be restricted. You are not allowed waterfront property. That is reserved for citizens naturally born into this country.
9. Foreigners may not protest; no demonstrations, no waving a foreign flag, no political organizing,no bad-mouthing our president or his policies;if you do you will be sent home.
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be hunted down and sent straightto jail.
Harsh, you think?The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of MEXICO!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Where Are all the shrimpboats

Going to the beach in Coastal Georgia will never be the same.
Up until just a year or two, you would always see several shrimpboats just off the beach. This year you'll be hard pressed to see one or two way off shore. Here's the problem: fuel costs too much and the cost of shrimp is too cheap. Everything has gone up except the cost of shrimp. Imported shrimp has been the biggest problem.

What can we do? Buy Wild Georgia Shrimp! Ask for it by name. As we say on the south end of Brunswick, friends don't let friends eat imported shrimp.

We need to help or before you know it, all of our shrimper friends will have their white McIntosh rebocks and nowhere to wear'em!

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Here's how you run a jail!

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights. Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.
More on the Arizona Sheriff:

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaiothe tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

Sheriff Joe was just reelected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: KIDS SHOULD BE HAVING FUN IN THE SUMMER

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR SUMMERS? YEAH IT'S STILL HOT AS BLAZES. THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I'M TALKING ABOUT KIDS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER. IT IS BAD ENOUGH THAT GLYNN COUNTY SCHOOLS OPEN BACK UP IN MID AUGUST, CAMDEN COUNTY SCHOOLS OPEN UP ON AUGUST 1ST. WHO CAME UP WITH THIS BRAINSTORM? AUGUST 1ST? WHAT'S EVEN WORST? IT'S THE DAY BEFORE THE BACK TO SCHOOL STUFF LIKE CLOTHES, SUPPLIES, AND COMPUTERS CAN PURCHASED TAX FREE FROM AUGUST 2 THRU THE 5TH. MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM, THE SCHOOL BOARD IN CAMDEN HAS BEEN HITTING A 5TH. WE'VE BEEN LETTING THE VARIOUS SCHOOLS TAKE SUMMER AWAY. I'VE HEARD ALL THE EXCUSES: "THE KIDS FORGET A LOT OVER THE SUMMER." "IF WE DON'T DO LIKE THIS, WE WON'T BE FINISHED WITH THE SEMESTER BY THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS." SO WHAT? WE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL BEFORE MEMORIAL DAY AND WE DIDN'T GO BACK UNTIL AFTER LABOR DAY. WE CAME OUT ALL RIGHT FOR THE MOST PART.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: 4 TRUTHS

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: 4 truths

During these serious times people of all faiths should
> > > remember these 4 religious truths:
> > > 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen
> > > people
> > > 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
> > > 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
> > > of the Christian world.
> > > 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Why there are no South Georgia Redneck Drivers in Nascar.

Tony Stewart wins another race and makes all of the heavy people proud! It ain't every day that you see a fat man climb a fence like that. Someone told me that they like Tony because he can "redneck up" with the best of us. That's true, he can certainly do that, but he ain't a real South Georgia Redneck. In fact I don't think NASCAR could handle one of us. I thought that the Truck series might be a way for one us to get in the driver's seat. Unfortunately that idea hasn't panned out, yet. Probably won't due to some important factors such as these:

The Top Reasons That There No South Georgia Redneck Drivers in NASCAR

No room in the back for a cooler.

No room to hang a rifle.

Dog not allowed to ride in the back.

Kinda hard to keep a toothpick in your mouth with that full face helmet.

Bubba can't ride shotgun while you're racing.

No place on car to fly the old Georgia flag.

They won't let you get a just redneck "five dollar's worth" fill-up during a pit stop

You can't eat a piece of fried chicken while you're driving, and then throw the bones out the window.

They won't let you listen to Wave 104.1 while you're racing.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: EVERYBODY'S GONE CAMPING?

When did we all get our backpacks out? It looks like we're all going camping or going for a hike. It looks like we can't go anywhere without a backpack. Is it just a replacement ladies use for a purse, or a way that a man can carry a purse and not have his sexuality questioned. And what is in these backpacks? My brother-in-law carries one. What's in it? I don't know. In fact, I may never know. Backpackers are very secretive about the contents of their bags. Is there a wallet in there? Isn't that what your back pocket is for? Maybe we have a lot of superheroes walking around with these backpacks filled with superhero stuff...like Batman's Bat Utility belt. Whatever you need is in reach. I say if I need to to haul a bunch of stuff...I'll do it the old fashioned way...carry a briefcase. It can double as my murse and no one will say the first thing about it.

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: NEW WORDS

I see where the dictionary has added a few new words this year like GINORMOUS. That's from GIGANTIC and ENORMOUS. Well, I've got a few new words, too.

WORDS FOUND IN THE PORTAGEE-REDNECK DICTIONARY

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git
a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see
that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65.."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some
farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

WARSH - verb. To clean.

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

JUICY - Contraction. A question. “JUICY THAT NEW BRUCE WILLIS MOVIE?”

MARKINS - Noun. Citizens of the United States.
Usage: "My fellow Markins..."

PARAMOUR - Noun. An automated device for cutting grass.
Usage: "What kinda deal you gonna make me on that paramour?"

Sunday, July 8, 2007

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: THE BIG CRACK PROBLEM

THE CRACK PROBLEM IS OUT OF CONTROL! IT’S EVERYWHERE AND I’M TIRED OF HAVING TO SEE IT! WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THE DRUG PROBLEMS IN OUR GREAT NATION. THAT’S NOT THE CRACK PROBLEM THAT I’M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW. I’M TALKING ABOUT THE BUTT CRACK DISPLAYS BEING SHOWN EVERYWHERE YOU TURN. YOU GO TO THE BEACH AND YOU’LL SEE ‘EM ALL OVER THE PLACE. JEKYLL ISLAND’S BEACHES LOOK LIKE THERE HOSTING A PLUMBER’S CONVENTION! HERE’S THE SOLUTION: PULL UP YOUR DRAWERS! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NASTY BUTT CRACK! IT AIN’T SEXY. IT AIN’T PURTY! IT’S NOT A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES. IN FACT IT’S A SIGHT THAT MAKES OUR EYES SORE! BUY BIGGER CLOTHES.
GET SOMETHING THAT FITS! THE LITTLE COPPERTONE GIRL ON THAT OLD ADVERTISEMENT WITH THE DOG PULLING DOWN HER BATHING SUIT WAS CUTE. YOUR BIG OLE, OFTEN HAIRY, BUTT AIN’T. GET BIGGER DRAWERS…GET A LONGER SHIRT…FILL IN THE CRACK WITH BUTT PUTTY…DO SOMETHING! NONE OF US WANT TO SEE IT! THE CRACK PROBLEM MUST BE ALLEVIATED!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: RASSLIN’S NOT AS REAL AS IT USE TO BE

AS YOU MAY KNOW, I AM A HUGE RASSLIN’ FAN. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT AMATEUR MESS WHERE THEY WEAR THEM FUNNY LITTLE TIGHT OUTFITS THAT ARE A STEP AWAY FROM THE GYMNASTICS BOYS AND THE BALLERINA TYPES.
I’M TALKING ABOUT THE REAL DEAL: PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING. HERE’S MY PROBLEM WITH RASSLIN: IT AIN’T AS REAL AS IT USED TO BE. HAVE YOU SEEN TODAY’S WRESTLING STARS? THEY’RE ALL MUSCLED UP AND FREAKY LOOKING.
I LIKED THE OLD SCHOOL GUYS BETTER. THEY LOOKED LIKE THE REAL, TOUGH GUYS YOU MIGHT MEet UP WITH ON FRIDAY NIGHT AT THE BAMBOO LOUNGE,
AT ESTER’S AT REBA’S DOGHOUSE LOUNGE, THE LIGHTHOUSE LOUNGE ON ST. SIMONS ISLAND, OR EVEN AT KATY’S IN SCUFFLETOWN…THE WRESTLERS BACK THEN DIDN’T SPEND A LOT OF TIME WORKING OUT IN THE GYM…NO SIR, THESE BOYS DID THEIR WORKING OUT AT HONKYTONKS DRINKING BEER, SMOKING CIGARETTES, AND FIGHTIN’…THE ONLY KINDA RHOIDS THESE GUY HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH WAS THE KIND ON YOUR BUTT…THEY PROBABLY THOUGHT A STEROID WAS LIKE A STEREO VERSION OF HEMORRHOIDS…PAIN ON BOTH SIDES!
THEY WEREN’T PRETTY, BUT THEY GOT THE JOB DONE…AND THE FANS EITHER REALLY HATED THEM OR REALLY LOVED THEM. I’M TALKING ABOUT GUYS LIKE
DUSTY RHODES, DICK MURDOCH, CHIEF WAHOO McDANIEL, ERNIE THE KAT LADD,
DICK THE BRUISER, JACK BRISCOE, DORY FUNK, JR., HARLEY RACE,
ABDULLAH THE BUTCHER, GEORGE THE ANIMAL STEELE, DON MOORE,
DICKIE SLATER, BUGSY McGRAW, JOSE LOTHARIO, MR. WRESTLING #2 AND
EDDIE GRAHAM. ONE OF EDDIE’S “BROTHER’S” , SUPERSTAR BILLY GRAHAM, WAS IN FACT ONE OF THE FIRST OF THE NEW BREED OF MUSCLED UP OUTRAGEOUS CHARACTERS. THE OLD SCHOOL GUYS COULD MAKE YOU BELIEVE THAT IT WAS A BATTLE OF GOOD VERSUS EVIL…THEY PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE EVERY NIGHT.
SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT TO ME RASSLIN’S JUST NOT AS REAL AS IT USED TO BE!

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: THE PROBLEM WITH FIREWORKS

I HAVE TO SAY THIS EVERY YEAR ON THE DAY AFTER THE 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS DISPLAYS: THE SHOW IS TOO LONG! WHY DO WE HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG BETWEEN FIREWORKS AT THESE HOLIDAY SHOWS? BOOM…LOT’S OF COLOR…PRETTY!…CROWD SAYS “AAH!”…PAUSE…BOOM…PRETTIER!…
CROWD SAYS “OOH!”…PAUSE…BOOM…NOT QUITE AS GOOD…CROWD SAYS
“HMMM!”….PAUSE…PAUSE…NO BOOM…IT’S A DUD…CROWD SAYS “HUH?”…
PAUSE…BOOM…PRETTY COOL…CROWD SAYS “AAH”…THIS SEQUENECE GETS REPEATED FOR ALMOST THIRTY MINUTES. NICE FIREWORKS, BUT TAKING A LONG TIME. AFTER A HALF HOUR OF THIS PYRO MONOTONY…THE FIREWORKS PEOPLE REALIZE, “HEY WE GOT ALL THESE LEFT TO GO AND WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME…LET’S FIRE ‘EM ALL AT THE SAME TIME!”….BOOM…BOOM…BOOM…BOOM…
BOOM…OH YEAH! NOW WE’RE TALKING…COOL!…PRETTY!…AWESOME!…CROWD
SAYS, “AAH! OOH! YEAH! MAN! KEEP IT COMING!” THE CROWD STARTS HOOTIN’ AND HOLLERIN’…CHEERING…AND GOING NUTS!…THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! THEY CALL THAT LAST OUTBURST OF COLORS AND SOUND THE FINALE.
I SAY DO THE WHOLE SHOW AS A FINALE…GIVE THE FOLKS SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT!…I’D RATHER HAVE TEN MINUTES OF NON-STOP FIREWORKS COVERING THE SKY THAN WHAT WE GET EVERY YEAR. YOU EVER NOTICE THAT THEY JUST A FINALE TYPE SHOW AT BALL GAMES? DON’T DRAG OUT THE FIREWORKS…LIGHT ‘EM ALL UP AS QUICK AS POSSIBLE…IT’S NOT ABOUT A LONG TIME…IT’S ABOUT HAVING A LARGE TIME!

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Show Some respect

JOE WILLIE ON THE SHRIMPBOX: SHOW SOME RESPECT!

WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, OUR GREAT COUNTRY DOESN’T REALLY EXPECT A WHOLE LOT FROM US…YEAH, WE DO HAVE TO PAY INCOME TAXES EVERY YEAR
…AND WE HAVE TO PUT A LITTLE IN THE SOCIAL SECURITY FUND…OTHER THAN THAT THE COST OF LIVING IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH IS RELATIVELY CHEAP. ONE THING THAT WE ARE EXPECTED TO DO IS TO RESPECT OUR FLAG…NOW, IF YOU ASK ME, THAT’S NOT ASKING A WHOLE LOT!…
EVEN THEN IT’S NOT TOO OFTEN THAT WE’RE ASKED TO DO THAT…THAT BEING THE CASE WHY IS IT SO MANY OF US DON’T GIVE OLD GLORY THE RESPECT IT DESERVES WHEN THEY PLAY THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT PUBLIC GATHERINGS LIKE BALLGAMES, NASCAR RACES, AND OTHER EVENTS? THE SONG DOESN’T LAST MUCH MORE THAN A COUPLE OF MINUTES…WHAT’S SO HARD ABOUT STANDING AT ATTENTION FACING THE FLAG WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND OVER YOUR HEART?...IF YOU’RE WEARING A HAT…TAKE IT OFF! IT’S OK TO HAVE HAT HAIR FOR A FEW MINUTES, NO ONE’S GONNA POINT AND MAKE FACES AT YOU….IF YOU NORMALLY WEAR A TOUPEE, AND DIDN’T THAT DAY…YOU’RE WEARING YOUR HAT TO COVER UP YOUR CHROME DOME…DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, WE’VE ALREADY FIGURED OUT THAT YOU’RE BEEN WEARING A WIG…WE WON’T LAUGH AT SEEING YOUR UNCOVERED NOGGIN!….AND WHILE YOU’RE AT, PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRAWERS…THAT’S WHY THEY’RE CALLED UNDERWEAR…YOU WEAR THEM UNDER YOUR PANTS OR SHORTS. MANY HAVE FOUGHT AND DIED PROTECTING THAT FLAG…THEY’VE PAID THE PRICE…SOME THE ULTIMATE PRICE…THE REST OF US ARE JUST BEING ASKED TO PAY A DISCOUNT PRICE…NOT MUCH AT ALL…JUST A LITTLE RESPECT!

Monday, July 2, 2007

SHRIMP BOX: Noah's Ark 070307


The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I
am going to make it rain until the whole world is
covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and
two of every living thing on the planet. I am
ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and
the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside
Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my
best, but there were some big problems. First, I had
to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a
long argument with him about whether to include a
sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got
sued by an animal rights group that objected to me
taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has
seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: How old is old?

"How Old is Grandpa?"

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather
about current events. The grandson asked his
grandfather what he thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute,
I was born before:television, penicillin
polio shots
frozen foods
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees and
the pill.
There were no:
credit cards
laser beams or
ball-point pens
Man had not invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers
and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh
air and
man hadn't yet walked on the moon
How old is Grandpa???
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called every man older than
me, "Sir". We were before gay-rights, computer- dating,
dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense. We were taught
to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country
was a bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent
or Yom Kipper.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along
with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors
when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in
the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric
typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the
President's speeches on our radios.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was
junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your
school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard
of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually
buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and
a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your
nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 . . . but who
could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents
a gallon.
In my day: grass was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock
music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant
a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware
store and "software" wasn't even a word.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say
there is a generation gap... and how old do you think
I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a
shock!

pretty scary if you think about it and
pretty sad at the same time.


This man would be only 59 years old.

{Scary, isn't it?}