Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: What Are You Thankful For?

A friend of mine sent me this:

"Things To Be Thankful For"

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable
homework assignment to write an essay on "something
I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in
my room trying to figure out just what in the world that
could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down
everything I could think of from G~d to environmental
consciousness. But after having children, my priorities
have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born
the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for Velcro tennis
shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can
hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which
gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety
locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls
them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling
program which will preserve our natural resources
and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for swim diapers
because every time my son wanders into water in
plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the
size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic
vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for microwaveable
macaroni and cheese -- without which my children
would be surviving on about three bites of cereal
and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity
to obtain a college education and have a higher
quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to finish a
complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic
medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for pediatric cough
syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young
children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the
teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured
me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for all of the
people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down
to pantyhouse and a strategically placed scarf
before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity
to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could
experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful to have time to
make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood
Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the Butterball
turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm,
cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful for the lock on
the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material
objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy
clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN : I am thankful when the baby
spits up and misses my good shoes.