Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "A Dummies' Guide For Dummies"

"A Dummies' Guide For Dummies"

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through
them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the
flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts
"Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your
eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with
nature, stay on the outside of all fences at
the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
press on the flat end.

Under no circumstances should you ever
reproduce.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks"
there is no need to report it on your income tax
return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your
wrist. Get a watch.

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact
science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days,
don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator
button many times.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Years To Live"

"Years to Live"

G~d created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule,
working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack
intelligence. You will live for 40 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is
too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was
so.

Then G~d created the dog, and told him, "You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will
be his greatest companion. You will eat his table
scraps and live for 30 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog
is too much. Please, no more than 15 years." And it was
so.

G~d then created the monkey, and told him, "You are
Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like
an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20
years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as
the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give
me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, G~d created Man and told him, "You are Man,
the only rational being that walks the earth. You will
use your intelligence to have mastery over the
creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20
years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years
the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the
10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so G~d made Man to live 20 years as a man, then
marry and live 20 years like a mule working and
carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have
children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house
and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry;
then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey,
acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Joke's On Us!

Absolutely The Funniest Joke Ever !

ON US



Do you have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPT. OF ENERGY during the Carter Administration? Anybody? Anything? No? Didn't think so. Bottom line . . . . We've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember.

Ready? It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. HEY, PRETTY EFFICIENT, HUH?



AND NOW IT'S 2008, 31 YEARS LATER, AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS NECESSARY DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR, THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES, AND APP ROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE!

THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?'

Ah yes, good ole bureaucracy. And And now we are going to turn the Banking system over to them?



God Help us !

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: What I've Learned

A good friend sent this in:

"WHAT I'VE LEARNED SO FAR"

I've learned ...That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: Campaigning & Voting

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
by a
truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it Seems
there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you
see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to
spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the
senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green
golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of
it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at
the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that
before
he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises ...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter
is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns..

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose
your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never
have
said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be
better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to
hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land
covered with waste and garbage.

H e sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: "Trick-or-treating"

***TOP SIGNS YOU'RE TRICK-OR-TREATING
IN A LAME NEIGHBORHOOD***



--Instead of "fun", they give out candy in "mildly-amusing" size.

--Every house has a "Nader" sign on the lawn.

--Every piece of candy comes glued to a Book of Mormon.

--All of the neighbors have had to register with the state.

--Instead of candy, people are handing out adjustable-rate mortgages.

--People's idea of "scary music" is blasting Clay Aiken all over the neighborhood.

--People will only give you candy after you sit through a four-hour lecture on timeshares.

--The only "candy" within miles is a dancer at the dirty carpet.

Joe Willie On The Shrimpbox: The Sack Lunches

A friend of mine sent this in:

The Sack Lunches



I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have a good book to read Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.



Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle and filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided to start a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldier seated nearest to me.



' Chicago - to Great Lakes Base. We'll be there for two weeks for special training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq '



After flying for about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches were available for five dollars. It would be several hours before we reached Chicago , and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass the time.



As I reached for my wallet, I overheard soldier ask his buddy if he planned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till we get to Chicago '



His friend agreed.



I looked around at the other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the plane and handed the flight attendant a fifty dollar bill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My son was a soldier in Iraq ; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'



Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you like best - beef or chicken?'



'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went to the front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate from first class. 'This is your thanks.'



After we finished eating, I went again to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here, take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.



Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down the aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my side of the plane. When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said, 'I want to shake your hand.'



Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stood and took the Captain's hand. With a booming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never forgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of the passengers.



Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.



When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stopped me, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a word. Another twenty-five dollars!



Upon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their trip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-five dollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'



Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of their fellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayer for their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for our country. I could only give them a couple of meals.


It seemed so little...



A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life,
wrote a blank check made payable to 'The United States of America '
for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'
That is Honor, and there are way too many people
in this country who no longer understand it.'